What Did You See This Weekend?

My good friend wrote a lovely post today about her wonderful weekend, and ended with the question "What did you see this weekend?" I was going to leave a comment on her blog to answer, but as I know she checks in here I thought I'd post my reply instead.

This weekend I saw my 88 year old grandma, who is doing pretty good for an old girl. She loved on my little ones with hugs and kisses, new colouring books and homemade brownines ("because one or two won't hurt them"). She cuddled my baby, marvelling at the blessing of having 13 great-grandchildren (almost half of whom are mine!) who are all in perfect health, beautiful and bright. She told me about stories I'd heard before, and mentioned again how much she still misses my grandpa, even though it has been 11 years. So in her I saw a woman who is living everyday of her life the best she can, with love, and was humbled by her praise of my parenting in light of her years of expertise.

Then I saw my husband patiently loving his wife and children even in his fatigue. Listening to one more child's account of our day, giving one more tickle and zerbert. I saw him praise them for their spontaneous act of service in 'weeding our garden' and setting our our patio furniture for our first bar-be-que of the year.

Then I saw our church family rally around each other in love, worshipping together in Spirit and in truth. I saw the heart of our pastor as he confessed a weakness of his from the pulpit. I saw my own sin come before me as he challenged us to love one another (I mean really love, even those we don't like) and I realized the biggest challenge in that for me was to start with my self. So I saw my heavenly Father patiently scratching away another layer of hurt and sin in my life to 'un-dragon' me. And I didn't feel condemned by him,....just loved.

And then I saw my children fast asleep in our car....peaceful....with out fear....secure in our family's strength and our Lord's covering....and in that I saw that despite my failings and my fears, the Lord is having His way with our family, both immediate and extended. I cannot fix all our problems no matter how hard I try. Only His hand of love will push and pull us onto His path. And wouldn't you know it....He is doing it.

C.S. Lewis is Brilliant

hope you have a cup of tea, a kleenex, and several minutes as you visit here today. I intend to do a lot of copy work to practice my typing. Well, that 's not why. But I am going to extensively quote from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis. Now, I'm not just copying it out for the sake of a good read. No, I have something a little deeper in mind.

First, some audience participation: Call to mind that one thing (or maybe several things) that plague you. Maybe it is a besetting sin you can't break free of, or a word curse spoken over you that you have carried with you for years. Is it chronic impatience? Faithlessness? Greed? Pride? Addiction? Anger? Grudges? Self-loathing? Fear of failure? Fear of the future? Only you know what it is that keeps you up at night. I have mine in mind too. Okay? Ready? Now picture that thing like a heavy skin over you. Put yourself in the position of Eustace in the following excerpt, who had been turned into a dragon with scales and all. I'm sure like him you want to be free of your scales. I'm sure like him you've tried to shake them off in your own strength and power, with no success. I'm sure like him you want to bathe in the Living Waters. Now read these words as if they are your own "after" story:

The Lion told me I must undress.... I was just going to say that I couldn't undress because I hadn't any clothes on when I suddenly thought that dragons are snaky sort of things and snakes can cast their skins. Oh, of course, thought I, that's what the Lion means. So I started scratching myself and my scales began coming off all over the place. And then I scratched a little deeper and, instead of just scales coming off here and there, my whole skin started peeling off beautifully, like it does after an illness, or as if I was a banana. In a minute or two I just stepped out of it. I could see it lying there beside me, looking rather nasty. It was a most lovely feeling. So I started to go down into the well for my bathe.
But just as I was going to put my feet into the water I looked down and saw that they were all hard and rough and wrinkled and scaly just as they had been before. Oh, that's all right, said I, it only means I had another smaller suit on underneath the first one, and I'll have to get out of it too. So I scratched and tore again and this under skin peeled off beautifully and out I stepped and left it lying beside the other one and went down to the well for my bathe.
Well, exactly the same thing happened again. And I thought to myself, oh dear, how ever many skins have I got to take off? For I was longing to bathe my leg. So I scratched away for the third time and got off a third skin, just like the two others, and stepped out of it. But as soon as I looked at myself in the water I knew it had been no good.


Are you still with me? Is this sounding familiar? How many times Lord have I tried to stop my sin, tried to change my attitude, but to no avail?


Then the Lion said..."you will have to let me undress you." I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.
The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know - if you've ever picked a scab of a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away....
Well, he peeled the beastly sfuff right off - just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt - and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly looking than the others had been. And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me - I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on - and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything, but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious.... After a bit the lion took me out and dressed me - .... in new clothes - the same I've got on now, as a matter of fact..... and [I've] been - well, un-dragoned.
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come"
Hebrews 12:11 "All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness."
Isaiah 1:18 "Though your sins are as scarlet, they will be white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, they will be like wool."
Lord, thank You for being ruthless in Your cleansing of my heart. More and deeper Lord, I pray. My sin is ever before me and only You can put it far from me. You have not dealt with me according to my sins, nor rewarded me according to my iniquities. Rather, as far as the east is from the west so far have You removed my transgressions from me (Psalm 103:10-12). Change me through and through. And let me never be the same again.

The Destination is Worth The Journey

Thursday night, after a most moving Maundy Thursday service, I found myself driving home very late at night on some treacherous roads. It was the last (Lord Willing!) snow of the year and I was caught in the midst of it. What ought to have been a 54 minute drive (but who's counting) ended up being 1 hour and 45 minutes.

As I drove, white-knuckled and shoulders to my ears, I prayed (through my clenched teeth and sore jaw). I prayed for the storm to stop. I prayed for the roads to clear. I prayed to GET HOME. I prayed for the road home to miraculously shorten. I prayed for skilled driving on my behalf. I prayed there would be no other cars on the road (you know, less obstacles to hit should I spin out of control). I just wanted it to stop.

I even considered on more than one occassion how I could get myself out of this jam. If I turn here, I could spend the night at my in-laws. But no. What about my still-nursing baby waiting for me at home? Who would feed her in the morning? If I turn here, I could spend the night at my parents' house. But no. It really isn't that much closer and the roads are more curvy and hilly.

And then the thought came. What if I just pull into some farmer's driveway and wait it out until daylight? Maybe just sitting here in a cold car with no food, blanket, or even weather appropriate clothes wouldn't be so bad. It might just be better than continuing home. Certainly easier. Certainly requires less faith. Sadly along with that thought came a split second consideration that was a little frightening. I could just drive as fast as normal, spin out of control, sail over the guard rail and wake up in heaven. That might be the easiest yet. Yet also, it would have been the coward's errand.

And so I thought again about my children tucked tightly in their beds and how I wanted to see their chubby faces in the morning. I thought about my husband waiting in our bed, keeping it warm for me, probably snoring, completely unaware of my current stress, and getting ready to steal the sheets when I crawl in beside him. Then I realized: I had to push through this storm to get to the better part. I thought about the service I had just attended and the call to live our lives through the resurrection power of Jesus.

The Word says in Hebrews 12: 2 that Christ endured the cross by focusing on the Joy set before Him. He knew that the End was worth the Means. That is the resurrection power that lives in us now so that we can say with Paul:
"I press on in order that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus...forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward to goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." (Phil. 3:12-14)

As I crawled in to bed that night beside my husband, safe and sound once again, I realized it was worth driving through that storm to get here. Lord, grant me that vision as I travel through the storms of life that I would persevere knowing that the prize of Christ-likeness at the end is well worth the pain and fear I endure along the way. Thank You for loving me enough to let trials like these come to get my attention and draw me back to You. (Heb. 12:4-11)

Good Friday

Today is always a special day for my heart. There is almost something more precious to me about Good Friday than Easter Morning. The idea that Christ would suffer for things that were my fault, that He would do the thing that fixes my mistakes, that He would die so I could live is to me the more stunning thing. Not that Him raising Himself from the dead isn't amazing, but He is God after all. There is a bit of an expectation in my mind that He could do that.

But to willingly say "It's alright, my sister. I see your sins, I know the punishment that is coming your way because of them. I want you to live and serve our Father. I will take that pain for you." ....that is a miracle I can barely fathom. Thank You Lord. You are so good. (and what a sad understatement that is).

It's like when I try to explain to my husband how shocked I continue to be that a) he married me and b) seems to still think it was a good idea. For him it was just the most natural thing to do. For me, it seems to be an otherworldly act that I can't grasp. For Christ, dying on the cross was the right thing to do, and the thing He wanted to do.... I can't get it.
But on a lighter note, maybe this year I will do some Eastery crafts and things with a meaningful touch to really highlight some of this season's beauty. Here is a great recipe that I might actually try. Sounds pretty yummy, not to mention actually useful for teaching the Easter story. Now this looks very cool, but as some of you know painting in my house is a major ordeal, so adding eggs to the mix (literally) sounds not only messy, but expensive. Still, my kids would think I was supermom if I did it. (maybe I'll let Oma know, and she can try it sometime! hee hee).

Regardless, I've been thinking about song lyrics the worship team will be singing on Sunday Morning. One song is pretty repetitive and simple, but sometimes those are the deepest ones. The chorus simply says, over and over, "I've Found Jesus" and I think I need to take this out of the "running-to-the-empty-tomb-and-then-turning-around-at-the-sound-of-his-voice" context and think daily, as I look around at my kids, my calling, my marriage, my circumstances....I've Found Jesus. Seeing Him in the details is going to be the goal this week, and all the weeks ahead.

Because of You every Friday is good Lord, every day is good. You are GOOD! Thank You.

Top Ten List

I just read this over at my friend's blog and was inspired to do a variation. Here are:

The Top 10 Comments I Hear When I Leave The House With All My Kids
10. Are they all yours?
9. Don't you know what causes this?
8. You should watch more T.V.
7. You must be busy!
6. I couldn't do that.
5. You must be very patient.
4. You must homeschool.
3. Are they twins or triplets?
2. Be glad they're not boys.
And (drum roll please) the Number 1 Comment I Hear When I Leave the House With All My Kids
1. What kind of car do you drive? A bus?
Well, I'm sure you've heard the same, or worse. At least now we can say that we are the proud owners of a new (to us) GMC Safari, otherwise known as the "Christian Mobile" by a lady here in town. Seems all the large-ish families drive one (you know, before they get so big they need to buy a bus). So sorry, Onfire, you are going to have to memorize my new license plate....once I figure it out myself!

When Will My Grumpy, Selfish, Judgmental Attitude Go Away?

disclaimer: for those of you who don't want to actually get to know the real me, stop reading now. This post is going to be a little too honest.

Do you ever wonder how long it will take for the Lord to complete that good work in you that He started. You know, the one He will be faithful to perfect? yeah. me too.

So here I am in Church yesterday and the service was run by the guys from Teen Challenge. They are full of life men who were previously addicted to drugs and alcohol and who have found freedom and new life in Christ. The program is fantastically successful (is fantastically even a word?) and the men have the most stirring testimonies. So I was really enjoying the service.

And then I saw one of the guys, and for a moment, actually for a long moment, I was pretty convinced that I knew him. Not only did I think I knew him, but I thought he was my boss (who I didn't really get along with very well) from my days of working at Tim Horton's (a job I really loathed. Stay tuned. There is a blog coming about that). Here's where the old sin nature in me rears its ugly head. I was just dying to know if was him or not. My stomach got all full of knots as I remembered what it felt like to work for him. I remembered how small and stupid I felt working for this guy who made himself look pretty big and impressive at his employees expense. And so instead of looking with Christian compassion at him and thinking "Wow. Is that him? I wonder if he's okay. How sad that he must have hit bottom, but thank God for His mercies and for this program to show him the way" I looked at him with my old sinful heart and for a moment thought "Now how do you feel, Mr. Wonderful. Guess now I'm the one who's "got it all together"."

Seriously? How can I be like that? We had just sung praises and worshipped our Lord with lyrics like "To You I lift up my soul, In You is all my hope", and "You set my feet upon a rock, You made my footstep sure", and "We are the broken, You are the Healer", and boy did I mean those things. Really really. Except then not 20 minutes later I am revelling in the thought that someone else might be in that same pit that I have supposedly been lifted out of!

Lord, my heart is two-sided. I am a sad representative of your forgiveness. I am too much like the man in Jesus' parable who was forgiven an enormous debt by the King and then proceeded to require payment from another man who only owed him a little. Rend my heart. Pour into me the compassion for my fellow man, even those who have hurt me, so that I can be like You, who had compassion on me, even though I killed Your Son. Let me not be the kind of person who wants to see my enemies "get what's coming to them" in such a vindictive and caustic way. And mostly, forgive my lying lips that in one minute praises You for being my redeemer, and then in the next mocks a man (whoever he was) for needing that same redemption. We have ALL sinned and fallen short of Your glory. Let me not be proud that I have not sinned "in that way". As if my sin was any more appealing to You. I'm sorry that for all the work You have done and are doing in my life that I am stil so resistant and that I'm making so much more work for You to do.

Photographs Don't Lie (But Sometimes I Wish They Would)

I have a photograph of myself that I like to keep as "Motivation" (read: punishment). It is from a million years ago when I was 21 and my husband and I were visiting the Grand Canyon. What is interesting about it is that I am unbelievably skinny. And so the "motivation" (read: torture). I like to drag it out every so often to "motivate" me to get back to that weight, that happier time (as if weighing close to nothing is a remedy for stress). But here is where the truth of the photo comes in: I used to be skinny. Now I'm not. Hmmm. Can't deny it. It is right there in black and white (literally).

Okay: another example. My wedding album is filled with truly gorgeous pictures of truly happy people. Except for one. The photo that my sister decided to show up for clearly communicates the tensions in my side of the family. There we all are, "smiling". But the mood in that picture is in stark contrast to the genuine love my family is exuding in every other picture. You can tell by her 'smile' that she would rather be any where else, and you can tell by our 'smiles' that we are well aware that she would rather be any where else but we don't quite know what to do about it.

Okay: another example. How about a happy one this time. I am holding my wee baby girl at the local fall fair in the baby competition (yes, I realize that is a little pathetic) and I am smiling. Really smiling. The smile of a woman content with her choice to change her mind and want another baby even though she knows it is going to be hard, tiring work, but who understands there is a joy to be had here in just holding this little one and showing her off (and all that she represents) to the whole world. (I hope you are okay with run-on sentences...). The truth in this photo is that I can see that when I do what the Lord puts on my heart to do, I have that look of contentment all over me because it is oozing out from the inside.

It is kind of like the Bible. The Word is compared to a mirror in that when we read the Word our true selves are revealed. So, I can't keep saying to myself "I've always been fat and so I'll always be fat" now that I've seen that skinny picture. In the same way, I can't say "God will never forgive me for that" now that I've read His promises to forgive. The Beauty of Photographs, is that they truly represent who we once were, where we once went, what we once saw. The Beauty of the Word is that it truly conveys the Truth of who God is, what He has done, and who we can be through His grace.

Lord, let me use the photos of my history to see your hand in my life. To remind me of who I was, and who You are making me to be. Thank You.

Good Enough To Eat

The other morning, as my family was dashing out the door to a homeschool event, my dear son said the most remarkable thing to me. I was feeling a little frumpy that morning (can anyone relate?) so to perk up a bit, I spritzed on some of my perfume ("Obsession" for those of you who want to know).

As I was buckling the baby into her car seat and doing up my son's shoes, he leans in and says, "You smell good, Mommy. So good I think I want to bite your neck and eat you! Why do you smell so good?"

And so began a conversation on perfume. However, if I had really been on the ball, I would have made it an object lesson and said, "Well, Thanks be to God, who always leads us in His triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place. (2 Cor. 2:15)" Well, that might have been a bit much.

Still, the fact remains that when Christ is dwelling in us we exude an aroma, a fragrance, that is pleasing to Him and to those who are being saved around us. And the Word challenges us to "Taste and see that the Lord is good. (Ps.34:8)" If we are open to enjoying the fragrance of His presence, maybe we will be bold enough to 'take a bite' and experience Him fully. That is true satisfaction! And hopefully that fragrance will be a better fix for the 'frumpy' days when they come.

Lord, let us be like that garland of grace that is made of Your fragrance. Let us be noticeably beautiful to those around us, both those being saved and those perishing. And let us seek You for the fulfillment we desire. And in the meantime, thank you for precious sons who love their mommas.

He Shall Add Bitterness

This morning with my children, we discussed one of the bible accounts of Moses and the Israelites in the wilderness. Remember the story when they were desperately thirsty, they found water and it was dreadfully bitter? Okay, so that is what we were discussing.

I reminded my second born that the meanings of her first and second names, when put together, are "He shall add bitterness". I told her that this story in the scriptures helps to explain why that is not a bad name-meaning for such a beautiful girl.

The year she was born came in the middle of some very difficult years for us. My husband and I had some very large and difficult life decisions to make primarily regarding his work. But his work change was actually just a symbol of the greater whole of what the Lord was doing in our lives. He was breaking us down so that He could build us up His way. They were years of tearing down old, false foundations so we could lay firm foundations on things that would last. They were years where I cried out from my heart with the psalmist:
"Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am pining away....but Thou, O Lord, How long?.... I am weary with my sighing; Every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears. My eye has wasted away with grief." (Ps. 6)
And yet in the middle of those years, He was so overwhelmingly gracious to us, physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually...abundantly meeting all of our needs and shaping us into vessels He could use.

This is what I wanted the children to notice in the Bible story for the morning: In the middle of their bitter time, the Lord granted sweet springs. He still works that miracle today. In the middle of our bitter times, He provides sweet springs of living water. So yes, He shall add bitterness, but along with it comes the sweet miracle of hope.
"For the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my supplication, The Lord receives my prayer." (Ps. 6)

Too Much Information

At my Sign Language class on Monday I was privy to a most discouraging conversation. I am clearly the "old mother hen" in this group of College girls. There are two women there who are likely older than me, but, judging on their comments in class, they are definitely in a different paradigm than myself.

So somehow the conversation began: "When did you hear 'the talk'?" With some trepidation and a little curiousity I waited to see where this would go. One by one these girls talked and laughed about how they learned everything from health class in public school, videos in high school, teen magazines and all-nighters, and well-intentioned, but embarrasing chats from mom. These chats from mom were always accompanied by a box of condoms "because you'll need these". One of the ladies, a mom of preteens, said "I tell my children everything, and I mean everything. I want them to hear it from me, and I want them to hear it early so that I can put my spin on it. I tell them not to tell others at school who may not be ready to hear about sex yet, but for my children...I want them to know details so they can make the right decisions."

Now, if I listen to the "experts in sexual education", these girls must be the most responsible and 'safe' girls around. And I, in contrast, must have been recklessly endangering myself on a regular basis at their age because I never really did get "the talk".

Still, the evidence points to the contrary. I am the one in the room having had only one partner, no diseases contracted, and 6 children all born in a healthy marriage relationship. These poor girls, in contrast, are constantly talking about this boyfriend and that, and whose going on a vacation (one with her boyfriend and one without because "you never know who you'll meet", and whose sister is pregnant at 18, and whose cousin is having an abortion, and whose baby will be nearly a year at her mother's wedding....

Don't get me wrong: I made plenty of mistakes growing up, and sinned in relationships too. But God has been gracious to keep me fairly innocent inspite of my foolishness. These girls, supposedly armed and educated by the best, are walking, if not running, headlong into dangerous, costly sin....and then bragging about it.

The Word implores us to be 'excellent at what is good, and innocent of evil'. These poor girls have been fed a lie, loudly and repeatedly, that random relationships are not evil, but rather, part of a strong sense of self and a right they should exercise.

Lord, have mercy on this and the coming generation. And give Your people the wisdom and the clarity to teach our children modesty, and rightly placed confidence, and a picture of Your beautiful plan for relationships.