Heard at My House - Best.ever.for.realsies

Setting: 4 year old daughter sitting on the couch, looking at my wedding album.

4 year old: "Mom, mom! Come here! I want to show you something. I want to show you how beautiful you look."

(mental note: buy that kid a pony for her birthday at the end of this month.)

A Spring in my Step

In my neck of the woods today we are experiencing a perfectly lovely day. There is a nice slow thaw with no breeze to speak of, and mostly sunnyish skies. And I was forced to get outside today with my daughter to help her deliver flyers. I'm not going to lie: I felt like helping with the flyers about as much as I wanted to mark my children's math books (oh ya. I had to do that too.)

Anyhow, out we went, and I was prepared not to grumble because I told a friend of mine to ask me later if I grumbled (hurray for accountability). But before I even had a chance to convince myself not to grumble, I caught up with the mail man.

We have a nice mail man. He is always smiling and always has his music turned WAY up and sometimes he sings along. He teases my kids about skipping school on a sunny afternoon. He walks with purpose, but in a sauntering kind of way. He looks like he enjoys his route and isn't in a rush to finish it. I should find out his name and give him a Christmas Card next year.

But, as usual, I digress.

So I catch up with him at a house where I have flyers to put in the mail box and he has, well, mail. He asks me, "Is that your daughter pulling the wagon over there?"

I answer in the affirmative.

He says, "You know what? You have the nicest kids. They are always so polite and friendly and respectful. Your daughter was just saying hi to me. I have 3 kids of my own and so I always notice other people's kids, especially when they are nice."

*sigh*

And so, I remember that the point of my life is not my own agenda, (which, by the way, has nothing to do with much other than drinking tea and reading books today) but raising these beautiful children in such a way as to touch someone else's life and give them a glimpse of joy.

And for some reason, all of this -- the lovely weather, the lovely conversation, the lovely realization, the lovely children -- made me think of this song.

Maybe this is the 80's musical spin on "Bloom where you are planted."

Building Family Traditions

Sometime near or on December first, our family gets the house ready for Christmas. It has become known as “Tree Day” and it is one of the highlights of our year.

It isn’t anything fancy, really. We go out and buy a fresh tree. Sometimes, we don’t even all go and pick it out together. Most times, my husband goes out, by himself, and with very little pomp and circumstance, brings home a tree. Nothing remarkable about that.

Then we pull out our ornaments and put them on the tree. Now, some families have an ornament for every year that each child has lived, and special ones from special relatives, and memory ornaments of people who have passed on, and some have the crafty ones the kids made when they were little.

We don’t have those.

We have fairly normal, basic, gold and cream ornaments and some ribbon that we wind around the branches. Nothing remarkable about that.

While we are doing the tree, we are listening to Christmas music and eating ‘Christmas foods’. The foods are typically snacky appetizer types that we graze on while we decorate. Chips. Salsa. Cheese. Crackers. Nothing particularly remarkable about that either.

But you know what? This year, my 9 year old said, “I think I like this day almost better than Christmas morning.”

Now that’s remarkable. Why do you think that is?


Please read the rest of my latest Heart of the Matter article here.

What Love Looks Like

You’ve seen the movie: the music swells in the background, the lights darken around the edges with one bright, piercing ray of sun shining in the center of the screen, while a perfectly manicured, make-upped and hair-dooed couple embrace, vowing that *this* is forever.

Or maybe you’ve seen this one: the house is burning to the ground and the stunningly gorgeous, yet humble girl-next-door-type is trapped in the upper floor, having swooned gracefully and fallen in a semi-conscious state to the smoldering ground. With her, seemingly, last breath she calls out the name of the man whom she has, up to this point in the film, scorned, and who, unbeknownst to the citizens of this quaint little town, was a firefighter before he hit the bottle following the death of his first wife, and who, just now, as he realized he was about to lose this woman forever, found the courage to suit up again in the uniform of his former life, swearing off of the Devil’s elixir forever, and climbed into the towering inferno and towards certain death just to see her one.more.time. And as he reaches her in that semi-conscious state, he calls out her name too and lovingly cradles her perfect head in his sculpted arms, and as she flutters her eyes open one last time, she says, “You came back for me” to which he responds “I’ll never leave you again”; then depending on what kind of ending you like in a movie they either die together there in the fire so that their love is never less perfect than it was in that moment, or they leap out of the window into the pillow-like field of forget-me-nots and live happily ever after.

*sigh*

I don't know about you, but this isn't what life in my house looked like this week. To read what love really looked like in my house, click here to read the rest of my latest Heart of the Matter Article.

Wow-ful Women Wednesdays

Have I posted this one before? I should have. Can't believe it has taken me so long...If only I knew the message this song presents when I was in high school... or university....or...

I am so inexpressibly grateful that it isn't up to me to become beautiful enough or holy enough or kind enough or just enough or anything enough. It is the righteousness of Christ draped over me, wrapped around me, saturating me that allows me to stand in front of the Lord, clean and acceptable and beautiful. I don't need to try any harder. You make me beautiful. You make me stand in awe. You are beautiful, Lord. That's all that matters.

Buying the Lie

My daughter had an appointment with a specialist recently. This doctor is lovely. Truly one of the best physicians I’ve ever had to deal with. She is intelligent, patient, understanding, funny, great with my 3 year old, gentle, encouraging, non-condescending. She has a lot of letters after her name. I won’t even try to understand what they all mean, other than a lot of schooling and a lot of expertise. Along with all of that comes the pay-check, the lifestyle, the wardrobe, the respect, and the pride that accompanies such a career achievement. She is living the dream!

Except…

Once when my daughter was in to see her, this doctor asked me how many children I had. I told her we had seven. She asked if I worked out side of the home. I said no. And that we homeschool. And then she said something I will never forget.


Please read the rest of my latest Heart of the Matter article here.

A Little Visual Reminder of a Spiritual Truth

Around here, Mondays and Thursdays are laundry days. I've said before on this blog that in any given week, I do 20 loads of laundry. That's not including sheets. Clearly, laundry could monopolize my whole life. In order to avoid that, I do laundry 2 days a week so that the other 5 I can think about anything else. It should also be said that I don't actually dislike doing laundry. The machines do most of the work, and my kids do the rest once I have their clothes sorted into piles. I don't typically even fold the older kids' clothes anymore as they can hang, fold, and otherwise manage their belongings on their own. Really, not a bad deal all around.

However, 2 weeks ago, life was different. Monday, the laundry happened as planned. Everything washed and put away. Lovely. But then Thursday, somehow, the schedule got jammed and no laundry was done at all. Neither on Friday. Nor Saturday. Clearly not Sunday....and so came Monday again. And *this* is what I faced. And conquered.







Yes, that is a full sectional covered with piles of washed, dried, sorted, folded, and alphabetized laundry. (well, not really alphabetized. I'm not *that* neurotic). That was some mountain, let me tell you! It is amazing none of us were wandering around in our birthday suits on Monday morning waiting for the first load to come through the system! Yowza. The morning was consumed with the running up and downstairs to exchange the washed and dried items from their respective places, and the afternoon was consumed with the sorting, piling and folding (which I only did for the sake of the photo, if I'm being honest.) And I took the photos to remind myself to not let that happen again. Having a couple of days off in the laundry department seemed like an okay compromise in a busy week until Monday arrived like a hurricane.

Ever feel like that in any area of your life? Just let it slide a little here or there to make the day easier, or to avoid conflict, or to avoid admitting you were wrong, and next thing you know you are facing a mountain of a problem that could have been quickly, and easily usually, solved had you tackled it when it was tiny, or at least new! A friend told me once that the hardest part of a 5 kilometer run would be the first 10 steps. It is true!

What is there in your life today that if you just started it, would be easily accomplished? What chore could you scratch off your to-do list? What relationship could you mend? What sin could you irradicate from your life once and for all?


Lord help me to be diligent in every task at hand, no matter how menial or trivial it seems. Help me to not be a procrastinator. And most of all, help this physical reminder of too much laundry remind me to keep my heart in check, to keep short accounts in my relationships, to deal with secret (or not so secret) sin quickly.

An Open Letter

To the Two, Beautiful Teen-Aged Girls I Just Saw at the Store,

You are lovely. Really. You are super cute in your skinny jeans and puffy jackets with your little co-ordinating scarves. You are truly adorable. Your hair is perfect, your make-up is perfect, your smile is perfect, and even your manners, with the cashier and with this strange old woman (me) behind you in line, were perfect.

I think you are probably super nice girls.

But please try to convince me that one of you *really* wanted that small container of pomegranate seeds and a green apple for lunch. And that the other one of you *really* wanted those two hard-boiled eggs for lunch. Period. With nothing else.

Really? I remember being 16, and I'm pretty sure that none of those items were ever on my list of cravings. Pretty sure that none of those items were foods I requested for my birthday party, or grad party, suppers.

I also remember being 16 and "losing" 20 pounds one month by exercising excessively and eating virtually nothing. And then gaining 35 pounds back the next month. It wasn't fun. And the person I was trying to impress didn't even notice.

I know, I know, Pomegranate seeds are very rich in antioxidants. And I enjoy a good, crunchy Granny Smith as much as the next girl, and sure eggs are high in protein and good for energetic people blah blah blah. But do you really think that is enough calories to sustain you? Enough calories to help you remember what you are studying? Enough to make you feel full until supper tonight?

Maybe I'm old and grumpy. Maybe I'm jealous that even when I was 16 I didn't look like you. Maybe I don't know as much about nutrition as I think. But let me sound like your mom for a minute: You are seriously lovely girls from my first impression of you. I would hate to see you hurt yourself in this way over a jean size or two.

Tomorrow could you at least sprinkle those seeds or slice those eggs on top of a salad? This whole thing makes me a little worried for you, though I don't know you, and very careful of what I will try to instill into my girls as they are rapidly approaching your age.

Thanks for listening. I know you probably disagree, and I wish I could convince you, but you really are lovely. And whatever little tiny goal you have? It won't make you happy.

Sincerely,
An Old Woman who Noticed.

Heart Of the Matter Article -- Unqualified

In those exciting pre-Christmas shopping days, my family and I went to the mall. Mind you we were not shopping for others…oh no; we were quite happily, selfishly buying a new bedspread for the lovely bed my husband just built for us (yeah!).

But I digress; the shopping isn’t the point. The shopping is only the reason we happened to be out ‘in the world’ where homeschooling moms get blasted. You know that verse in Proverbs 31–”they will praise her in the city gates” –that must not include the local department store.

After a few beautiful comments on the number and appearance and behavior of my children, one lady decided to give me her opinion on the fact that we homeschool. Now I’m used to many categories of comments and criticisms, as I’m sure you are. Typically it is “Oh I could never do that”, “You must be so patient and organized”, ” What about socialization?” and so on. But for what I think was the first time, I heard “What qualifications do you have to teach your children?”

Oh.

Please read the rest of my latest Heart of the Matter Online article here.

The "Part Two" for which you have been waiting...

First off let me say, there is no magic pill for losing weight. There just isn't. You need to eat smart, and move your body. Period. And even still the weight doesn't just fall off. You'd think a gal like me who just added 3 runs a week to her life and a much smarter pattern of eating would be wasting away by now. Not so much. Especially irksome is that there is no way to determine where the weight comes off of first. I mean, don't get me wrong, I *love* that my wedding rings are loose and that my shoes are all too big, but one would assume that the "marmalade jelly" shakin' around my middle might fall off a bit quicker too. (Gold star to whoever can place that quote). Patience, dear Barbara, patience. And of course I'm not *only* running to slim down. No, no....there's all that "self-discipline, goal-setting, being proud of doing something hard" stuff too.

right.

Okay, so back to the point of the post. My last running post mentioned there was a "part two" to the story and here it is. I've been *swamped* with emails from my devoted readers waiting with baited breath for the 'rest of the story'. (*snort*)

The question for me is this: What do I want to be the end result of this ridiculous 5km run I am attempting? I mean, this should be a no-brainer, right? Of course I want to finish and finish well. I want to have the big high-fives from some people that I love and to wear the groovy jacket knowing I earned it. Right?

Well....

What I'm finding is my wacko fears are really out-perfoming this time. Here are the two options I see in my future.

Option One: I can't actually run 5 kilometers with out stopping, regardless of my training, and on the day of I walk three-quarters of the race, showing up at the end like a great big failure, because really, didn't we all know, that Barbara is not an athelete in any stretch of the imagination, and told you so, she failed.

That would stink.

Option Two: I do fabulously. I run the whole thing in 30 minutes or less. I'm surrounded by people who are proud of me and who 'knew I could' and I have this momentary rush of elation that I really did do something that was outside of anything I've done before! And that sounds great, except the problem is that, what if then people (and by "people" I also mean "I") expect me to stay functioning at that level of bravery and hard-work and perseverance, and I can't sustain it? Then my future failure will be greater because I will have seemingly regressed farther than previous.

Does this make sense? A kid who always gets "C's" on his report card isn't going to be shocked by the occassional "D". No one wil be thrilled with a "D", but you know, it isn't too far off what we expect of him. However, if a straight "A" student comes home with a "D", well, "what were you doing? We expect more from you? You can do better than this! Why aren't you living up to your potential?" And the disappointment is that much greater.

Are you following me? I'm so lazy and so fearful of the potential for failure down the road that I hesitate to try to excel in anything.

Remember the story in the Bible of the Ten Talents? The master gave talents (that is coins) to his servants to work with while he was away. One worked well with the five talents he'd been given and ended up doubling it, to return 10 to his master. The servant who was given 2 talents worked them and doubled them to return 4 talents to his master. The third servant was given one talent. And he chickened out, or lazy-ed out and he just buried the talent in the ground to keep it "safe" and returned the same one talent to his master. He said "Well, I didn't want to try to work it and use it in case I lost the one you gave me so instead I just hid it. At least you didn't lose anything, Master."

He was not approved of by the Master, just so you know.

I don't want to be like that. I don't want to not do something for fear of what might happen if maybe down the road somewhere I sort of possibly fall on my face.

So the challenge for me at this point is to not only learn how to run 5 kilometers with out stopping, but also to learn that, as my pastor recently said in a lightning bolt moment for me, "there is such thing as failure with a purpose". Wow. Never thought of it that way. Failure always seemed to just be failure. Just bad. Just disappointing others. Just proving the lies in my head. Not so, slow-learning Barbara, not so. There is a point to trying. And there is a point to sometimes failing. It will be one of those things that the Lord uses to make me more like Him. I may do this race just fine. Or I may be the girl being carried on the stretcher for the last 2 km. Who knows? Either way, I need to give myself the freedom to fail, and the freedom to succeed. Because, presently, both are equally terrifying to me.

And thus, the awkwardly vulnerable and transparent post comes to its end. Thanks for stickin' around :-)

Wow-ful Women Wednesdays

Okay. So I really wanted there to be a real video for this song. However, you will need to be okay with the lyrics on a page. The other option was a photo of Natalie Grant. At least this has movement of some kind.

I was in the car and this came on the radio. I love the picture of being changed by simply being in the presence of a perfect God. He doesn't say "Come as you are and stay in the same miserable state". He says "Come as you are and I will make you like Me."

Yes Please. That's what I want.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow....

There you are; sitting as a family in your only-just-enough-seatbelts vehicle. Driving somewhere just longer than anyone wants to go today. And it starts. Nothing major. No hitting. No shoving. No “Dad, she’s BREATHING on me.” Just small little verbal jabs. Just little changes in tone creating a more sarcastic, biting air. No one is fighting, per se. No one is looking to be vindicated by mom. Just tense. Just nit picky, irritated eye-rolling and sighing.

What’s a mom to do?

I’ll tell you what I did today. I thought about how much time the kids spend together. All seven of them. Crammed into the van. Sharing bedrooms. Three meals a day. All the same friends. All the same activities. School together, play together, work together, sleep together. Yikes! That’s a lot of time up close and personal with the same gang!

And I thought, maybe they’d be happier and enjoy one another more if.....


Please read the rest of my latest article here at Heart of the Matter Online.

Wow-ful Women Wednesdays

It is WAY past my bedtime but I do want to post this before Wednesday is over. So, here is this week's video.

Not much needs to say about it really except that when I first heard this song as a young girl I remember thinking she was SO BRAVE to do a song like this. Her voice is really pretty fantastic, and anyone who is willing to stick herself out so bare and vulnerable vocally like this gets a big thumbs up in my books.

Love this song. Love this original better than the remix (although it was great too).

Suzanne Vega (remember her?)

Happy New Year!

I don't know about you, but September is so much more the beginning of the year than January in my books. And August is the time to be planning on New Year's Resolutions. Mind you it is only July, so let's just take a moment to sit in awe of my outstanding ability to set goals and plan ahead.

*snort*

Now that I've wiped the tears out of my eyes and stopped laughing, let me continue.

Every school year in our home, as it approaches, is carefully considered and planned. I typically use June to plan for September, but this year was a little cluttered in May and June, so now we are planning for September in August. Which makes me feel a bit behind the eight ball. But it also means all my enthusiasm for planning (which I truly really love doing) will be immediately realized as I get to act on my grand intentions sooner than later.

And don't we homeschoolers all have grand intentions for the fall? I'm sure this is universal, but let me speak about what I know right now. Here's what I imagine my 2009-2010 school year to look like:

Each morning I will wake at 5am to exercise and have time for Bible reading and prayer. I will dress and do hair and makeup as if I were going out with friends so that I feel like a 'real teacher' with a 'real job' (and then hopefully act like it!). Our schedule will keep us running like a well-oiled machine, completing 7 subjects everyday, in addition to some outside play time, out-loud reading with mom, and some messy crafts.

Each night I will put a Crock Pot of soup on for lunch the next day, and I'll involve the kids in supper meal prep and menu selection.

And all of this will magically fit around regular housework, spontaneous visits with friends, children who may not be feeling well some days, toilet training, and errands to run.

Plus, I'll be constantly at peace and full of gracious speech and patient demeaner, because I started my day with prayer.

Right?

Ya. Right.

Wow. So seriously, how do we not feel like a colossal pile of failure when we set that kind of beautiful, appropriate, worthwhile, godly goal sheet ahead of us and find that we really can't do it, just like that, ev.er.y.day.?

Step 1: Go into September with High Goals and Big Plans (that have come out of some serious time of listening and praying). There is nothing wrong with shooting high and hoping for the Ultimate Best. God has big, beautiful plans for my family. I need to seek those out and as He shows me, have the faith to walk in them. He never calls us to more than we can handle, and He always give us enough time in the day to do what HE calls us to do (there will be a post specifically on that soon. Something I need to continually remind myself of).

Step 2: Stop Being a Lazy Pessimist (okay, talking to myself now). I have a fairly bad case of Eeyore Syndrome (or Puddleglum if you prefer Narnia to Winnie the Pooh). You know what I mean right? "Well, I guess we can try it. I'm sure it won't work and we'll probably look like fools trying, but we can use our abyssmal failure to teach us a lesson about keeping our heads out of the clouds. In fact, the fear of that kind of train wreck of a day makes me want to pour a tea and just sit with a baby on my lap all day. Let's do that instead." Ya. Barbara, stop doing that.

Step 3: Realize you probably can't do the new Goal totally perfectly (but that isn't lazy pessimism, that's just realism in a fallen world; and being ready to give myself the freedom to fail).

Step 4: Enjoy not only the Successful End Result, but also the Trying along the way, seeing that sometimes Plan A (as good as it was) needs to give way to Plan B (which is sometimes better anyway).

All in all I intend this coming school year to be fabulous. I love homeschooling my kids. I love planning and preparing and teaching. I love being here to watch them learn and grow. I love seeing them struggle with something until one day that light goes on and it is smooth sailing in that subject again. Love my job. And I do intend to be more committed to my schedule and routine. I plan on having a whole lot more done the night before so that tomorrow is smoother. This is all really good stuff.

I do also pray that the Lord would give me the grace for myself that He has given me for my kids. Do I expect they get long division the first time? What about spelling rules? Do I freak out and label them failures because they forget to double the consonants before the suffix? No, of course not. They have time and freedom to get it right and to work it out. Same with me. This year, mom gets to give herself a little space. Just because we have a few days of messed up scheduling doesn't mean I'm a total write-off in the homemaking department.

So my New Year's Resolution? Look to Jesus.

What? Where did that come from? Well, He is the One who has written my life story so He knows what is coming up this year. I should maybe ask Him to guide me through what is around the corner, don't you think? Plus, the Bible says that I can do all things through HIM who gives me strength. Not through the perfectly written schedule. Not through sheer determination and self-talk junk. Nope. Through Him, and His Spirit living in me. And when I make a mess of my day and have not enough grace for the kids or for myself, He is the one who makes restoration possible between any relationship that has been wounded. And finally, any successes I do have, if they aren't done to further His Kingdom, and to make me and others more like Him, then I have missed the point and it is all for naught.

So, I'm going to Look to Jesus. That's my plan for 2009-2010. How about you?

I Could Have Been Rich!

Who knew that it was so easy to make a pile of cash? And I mean a fairly decent pile of cash. Look at these financial incentives that are being offered to kids today.

If you can stay in school, smoke free, you can earn $5K. That's $5,000. Seriously? Wow. I could handle that. I never smoked in high school. I could have had $5 Easy Grand. Sweet. Direct from the link above, this is how the program works:

In order to be eligible for a financial REWARD each youth must:

1) Stay Smoke Free

2) Graduate High School

3) Sign up sponsors who will commit to donating about $25 a month to the REWARDS Foundation.

If you are a youth and you want a chance to earn some money towards college, university then sign up and put in the effort of finding sponsors. The world is a competitive place. We give you the tools, and you put them to work. This is the first lesson in how to create a successful life.

Oh, so the money doesn't grow off trees. I have to find sponsors who will pay $25 a month to the program to pay me not to do something I should be smart enough not to do anyway, especially since purchasing cigarettes at a high school age is ILLEGAL. Getting paid to not break the law. Nice. I can do that.

Then there is this option: Money for Nothing

The article sites that there are school boards who pay students more than minimum wage to attend "Learn and Earn" Workshops after school (formerly called "detention"? or "Extra Credit"?) and that other school boards were handing out $100 or Flat Screen TV's for passing grades. Let me tell you, outside of OAC Algebra and OAC Calculus, I was a straight A student. I even rocked Phys. Ed because I could write a wicked awesome test which balanced out the fact that I couldn't dribble worth nothin' (unless you are talking about trying to drink out of a pop can while walking. I ace *that* kind of dribbling to this day).

And finally, one more Take the Money and Run option for students: Just Don't Do It

This program pays girls ages 12-18 $1 a day to, wait for it, not get pregnant. Say what? So abstinence teaching is a bad thing, but paying them a dollar to be "smart" about their, um... "extracurricular activites" is a good thing? Some girls have earned $2000. Really? Wow.

Okay so clearly these days I would not be making much cashola on this program. In fact in the last 10 years I'd have only made $1690 out of a possible $3650. Man. Talk about sacrifice. But in High school, between these 3 programs I could have walked away with enough to pay for my full 4 year degree. Sweet. Forget getting a job and being taught financial responsibility and a good work ethic and some measure of moral standard. Let's just bribe kids to good behaviour with some serious coin. (and yes, this may slightly strengthen my determination to continue homeschooling)

As a wise sage once sang "I got change in my pocket goin' jing-a-ling-a-ling". Maybe if I had have been born later in human history I could have had some stocks and bonds instead.

Talking to Myself

Three of my daughters apparently take after their mother in the most unfortunate of ways.

Our family had the neat opportunity to attend a neighbourhood 3 on 3 basketball tourney today. What was truly remarkable was the vast array of different responses to this invitation.

My first born was ready to play. She figured out which of her brand new friends would join a team with her, they picked a name for their team, made a logo and matching t-shirts, taught the younger sisters some cheers to do on the side lines and then waited to go stomp the competition. She was not detered in the least by the reality that she didn't actually know the rules to basketball. "I can learn. We'll figure it out. I bet we can still really do well."

That's one response.

Then there was daughter 2. "I'm not playing. I don't think anyone will want to be on a team with me. I'll just cheer. If they don't mind me doing that."

Wow.

Then there was daughter 3. "I can't wait to be a cheerleader! I'm so excited! I'll practice and get it memorized and do it the whole time they are playing." Except then today while the games are going on, despite her mastery and excellence in these cheers, she dissolves into tears of fear because "There are alot of people here I don't know and if I do the cheers now, what if someone sees me and laughs at me. I want to be a cheerleader but I'm just so scared."

Hmmmm.

Then there was daughter 4. She was too busy being the adorable cheerleader doing all the actions, all the routines, while flashing her brilliant smile to care if anyone was watching her or not.

Better.

Then there was daughter 5. She found the chip bowls and stayed there for a couple hours.

Ah yes.

So out of my 5 lovely daughters, can you guess which ones were like me? And which ones were not like me?

Oh yes, I recognized my mother's voice speaking to a 9 year old me when I was telling daughter #2 "Of course they want you to be here. You are an amazing girl. Just have fun and hang out with them. Of course they want to be your friend."

And yes, I felt the stab of irony when I was telling daughter #3 "You don't need to be afraid. Go out there and give it your best. Do the cheers. No one will laugh at you. And who cares if they do? You'll know that I'm proud of you and that you've done your best. No one is even watching you. It is a little self-centered to think the whole neighbourhood will be watching you and you only in the middle of a basketball game. Just go for it. Have fun trying to be brave."

And yes, I sucked my gut in a little tighter when I was telling daughter #5 to use a little more self-control at the snack table.

Some day I'll get it. Some day I will bust out of all the lies and elementary school insecurities that cling on. I seem to recall telling my friends Kate T. and Catherine earlier this year that this would be the year for challenging my self and being brave to do the things the Lord is calling me too. And yet, here I am, kind of still not really pushing myself too hard. I want to be the girl willing to jump in with great enthusiasm and zeal to try the new thing and push my comfort limits a bit. And I want to be the girl who does what she knows she can do full out, regardless of what people might think or say.

I don't want to be a fool, jumping into arenas where I don't belong. And I don't want to be so 'care less' about people's opinions that I stop listening to wise counsel. But I do want, first and foremost, to listen to the Lord, and to do His will, unfettered by fear of man, and unenslaved to weak masters.

But now that I've put this down on virtual paper, and now that you've read it, I'm kind of committed to being brave and trying to obey the Lord in those potentially embarassing areas no matter what.

So, my prayer for this week -- a real small first step: Lord, show me one thing to do that would typically scare me silly that you want me to do for your glory. Then give me the strength to do it. And if we could start with a small thing, I'd be very grateful.

Well, I wasn't expecting that today

My dear father-in-law sent me a link today to someone he called "Wow-full". As you know, that word is likely always going to catch my attention.

Perhaps you have already seen this viral video, but if not, let me just set it up for you a bit.

First, I'm going to back up a bit and explain why it made me weep both times I watched it this morning. Yes, I said "weep". No, I wasn't exaggerating.

If you've been reading here for awhile you will have read this post which will remind you of how much I love this song and all it implies and says to me and about me.

If you've been reading here even longer, then you will have read this post and will know how I struggle with "going all out" and just doing that thing that seems impossible, or unlikely, or unexpected for me.

Thus ends the preamble: Actually, I'm not even going to say anything about this video now. Just watch it and go back and read my linked posts up there if you want to see what I was thinking watching this lady and why I cried like a girl the whole time. Thanks Dad :-)

Door Mats

How many times have you said, "You can't let people walk all over you"? Or have you heard someone caution you "Don't let your self become a door mat"?

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. And it isn't really all that fun. You see our pastor spoke on being Great in God's Kingdom. What does that look like? Like being a slave. Choosing to be that person who does with out expecting thanks, pay, reciprocation of any sort. Laying down your life. Dying to self. Saying no to me, so I can say yes to God.

You know, kind of like Christ.

This sounds lovely and admirable, until you try to apply it to your self.

Do I want to be the slave in my house? Yes. Absolutely.....

I mean, so long as someone notices my excellent slaveness and my unbelievable humility.

ooops.

It got me thinking, not only am I not to consider my self a well paid servant, but rather a potentially-taken-advantage-of slave; I should really think of myself as a door mat.

Use me. Walk on me. Give me your dirt and garbage. Let me be in a place where I'm sure to be ignored, overlooked, and beat up by the elements.

Now we are talking. I can get some Real Martyr Mileage out of that.

Oh, look at me. Laying here being used. I'm so slave-ish. sigh. It is hard being this self-sacrificing.

But consider that attitude? I've instantly removed any usefulness in the doormat. What if you walked up to a literal house, with a literal door mat that said on it:

Well, okay. I suppose you are welcome to come in. I was going to do something else, but whatever.

or

Sure, you can wipe your muddy boots on me. I'll just lay here and be dirty. Don't mind me (sigh)


Do you see what I mean? What we want to see on that mat is "Welcome" or "Come in to our home" or "Friends Gather Here" or any of those lovely, truly welcoming messages that speaks to the heart of the guest.

Which leads me to ask, what message am I sending out to my kids? To my husband? To my parents and inlaws? To my small group at church? To the people I serve with in music? To my neighbours?

Am I willingly, joyfully, honestly thrilled to serve? Or am I letting them know just how much they are putting me out with this favour but I'm going to bravely do it anyway just to show them the Love of Christ? Yuck. May the Lord forgive me for tainting the world's perception of His love like that.

I want to be the kind of person who really doesn't care for her own needs or desires. I used to always say with my husband that if all I care about are his needs then it frees him up to only care about mine. Then we both walk away feeling the joy of serving and the joy of being served. Not even sure that is totally the right motivation any more but it is sure better than the Pharisaical Trumpet Blowing I like to do some days (see Matt. 6:2).

I'm pretty sure that if I get this right, if we as Christians who love people get this right, then the world will never be the same. All eyes will turn to Christ. We must decrease; He must increase. (John 3:30).

Lord give me the heart and the attitude and the humility to say "I am an unworthy slave; I have only done that which I ought to have done" (Luke 17:7-10), and really mean it. Show me how to love what you love, and hate what you hate so that this all comes much easier. Show me the work You are doing in those around me and give me the courage to join in. Let me be like a door mat. Prone before You is always a good place to start anyway.

Fixer-Uppers

Five and a half years ago we bought our very first house. We were pretty thrilled to be home owners. We knew that as we were just starting out that we didn't want to be crazy and overextend ourselves with a massive mortgage. So we bought a fixer-upper.

And so for the last 5 and 1/2 years we've lived with painted concrete floors waiting for carpet, carpeted floors waiting for laminate, finished floors waiting for baseboards, bathrooms waiting for refinished tubs, ceilings waiting for tiles, doors waiting for casings, doors waiting to be hung, a kitchen waiting for appliances and then cupboards, and an exterior waiting for eaves et al. We are getting there. We still aren't done.

It has been, truthfully, a whole lot of fun. As much as I love the idea of an "Archetecture's Digest meets Martha Stewart" kind of dwelling, I do also love looking around and seeing my husband (and Father-in-law's!) completed handiwork and work in progress side by side. There is something immensely satisfying about living in a space for a long while trying to figure out how it ought to really be used before jumping in a making changes I may regret later.

We picked a house with a good foundation and lots of potential, then shaped and changed it and improved it to meet up with what we needed and wanted out of a house. We are making it work.

And you know what? I'm just seeing the parallel lately that my husband married a fixer-upper too.

Having grown up in a Christian home and making my "decision" at a young age, I figured I was 'always'saved. And I probably was. But my faith made precious little difference in how I lived other than making me feel guilty when I acted in a way that I knew I shouldn't. I'm not even sure I could say that, like my house, I had a good foundation. It became strikingly apparent, once I began attending my new home church while at University, that my foundation was needing some reinforcing in some areas, and some total demolishion in other areas. My hope was built on Jesus Christ, yes. But the pillars of my life were far from the plumb line of His Word and His love and His expectations.

What to do?

Worse, what to do now when I look at my life and realize I'm still a work in progress? And somedays it is hard to see any improvement at all. Somedays the facade is spotless. You know, just like the lovely, seamless wallpaper that, when you remove it, reveals chipping, moulding plaster waiting to crumble in to an impossible mess. Yes, somedays are like that.

Not to say that the Lord isn't working in me. Not to say I am a hopeless case bound to be declared condemmed and uninhabitable. Not at all. More like that horrible moment when, in the middle of a project, every surface in the house is covered in drywall dust, the table is full of painted baseboard waiting to dry, the painted plywood floor is giving you slivers and now the baby needs a diaper change and supper needs to be cooked and you wonder if these "home improvements" are really helping anything. Progress? Really?

But then the next morning when the mudded walls are painted, the baseboards are hung, and the laminate has been laid, then, well, then you could host a party for 45, including Martha Stewart, while nursing the baby and toilet training the toddler, and somehow in the middle of it, feel the weight of the world floating off into the distance. Sigh. All is right with the world.

And this is where I am lately. In my rational moments, I do see that the Lord is making progress in my heart. And in my actions. Without giving an itemized list here, suffice it to say that there are layers of sin that I have felt scraped off like so many layers of ugly vinyl floor. There are attitudes that have been chipped away like so many ugly shower tiles. I have experienced freedom in many areas that I had previously assumed impossible to unchain. That comes from time in the Word and a focus on Christ with eyes looking to the Cross.

However, the closer I get there to the Light of His Word, and the more I turn my face to His, the more clearly I see the areas still needing attention. The "Honey Do List" of my heart is still as long as it once was as I add to it new revelations of spaces that need renovation.

The "done date" of our house is in the not too distant future. We can see our list of projects shrinking, and one day our house will be ready to sell. Not to an editor from "House and Home" but to a family who does not want a fixer-upper.

I, however, will be a work in progress until I die. I often hoped that I would get slightly more perfect every day of my life until one day the Lord would look on me and say "Well, tomorrow she will be perfect so we better have her breathe her last tonight so perfection stays in Heaven only".

Pretty sure that is not how it works.

So for now, if you know me for real, allow me to put out the same disclaimer I might give if you came to my home:

"Pardon the mess. There are a few things being rearranged. I see that messy bit over there too and I'm working on it. And those items out of place? Well, I'm just trying to decide if they fit in here or if I need to put them out to the curb. I have a really excellent Craftsman working on that bit over there, and I'm sure that soon it will be a more useful, workable piece. While the work is being done and things are kind of in upheaval, I will try to keep you as safe and comfortable here as possible. If you get hurt because of some of the projects on the go here, I really am sorry. And I'm trying to get it all cleaned up as quick as possible. In the meantime, let me serve you and welcome you into my life as best as I can. I do hope you don't mind spending some time here, even if it is a fixer-upper."

My Struggle for today.

I am not enough.

I will never be enough.

I have not enough time, nor strength, nor energy, nor wisdom.

I am entirely lacking.

Yet....

The Lord is all, and more than enough.

He has done it, He is doing it, He will continue to do it.

Show me how to rest in that Lord. Today it is an uphill fight.