Wow-ful Women Wednesday

Ah, yes. Here it is: a link to the blog I wish I wrote. I know I usually post a song on a day like today, but this post is so absolutely where I'm at these days. And I believe it will ring true with all my church family and our MATEO dreams. For those of you who don't know what that means, please ask me. I'd love to tell you. In the meantime, read this post by Ann Voskamp, a mom, just like me, who has kids to teach, and words to speak and write,...and seeds to sow.

Read her gorgeous post here.

Wow-ful Women Wednesday

Have you ever asked the question "Why do bad things happen to me? I'm a good person. What is the point of this trial?"

My pastor has answered that question for our congregation by saying, "It is happening to refine you and make you more like Christ. It is happening to teach you to know how to comfort someone else who will go through a similar pain. And it is happening for a thousand other reasons that you may never know."

I've always loved that. There is a great comfort in knowing that there are bigger things at work than my puny life. There is a great comfort in knowing that my pain isn't being wasted.

Sara Groves wrote about this other brilliant female songwriter today. Christa Wells is a new name to me, but I am glad to have found her. And this song in particular.

A thousand things are happening in this one thing, she says. What will be the fruit of the experiences of your life? You may never know. But praise Him through it, and trust Him to use it.

Christa Wells -- A Thousand Things



And then go and read this blog post by Christa Wells. Just tripped across it. Love it.

Battling Depression Part Four

This article is overdue. It was supposed to be submitted to the editor six days ago. And here is why it is late: I’m terrified to write it.

These last three posts have been significantly harder to write than I expected. What I’m finding is that in order to write convincingly and honestly, I have to relive a bit of what I felt in those dark days. I fully expected that it would be a theoretical reliving. What I found was that the darkness loomed much too close for comfort, crossing over from past memory to present threat. This, clearly, was not okay with me.

And so, with one final article to write for Heart of the Matter, and with a book in the wings on which I am working, I am finding the fear of what might be lurking around the corner to be a significant deterrent to getting the job done. I would love to be able to say to you, “I am willing to find myself back in the pit of Despair in order to write this book so long as even one person is helped by it.” But that would be a total lie. There is no part of me that wants to experience that pain again. Not for a moment. Not for you. Not for myself. Not for the sake of my family. Not at all. Period.

Please read my latest Heart of the Matter Online Article here.

Battling Depression Part Two

As time went by, and the darkness didn’t lift, I found myself in a place of desperation. My husband, shortly after the birth of our fourth daughter and approximately 9 months into my depression said to me, “Will I always have a wife who is depressed?” He said it not in an accusing way, nor in a frustrated way: he seemed to be simply trying to prepare himself for what the rest of our lives (and therefore, his responsibilities) might look like. And in that moment I knew something needed to change. I didn’t know what, and I didn’t know how, but I knew, with newly found resolve, that I could not carry on like this for the sake of my husband and children. My husband was (and still is) a very hands-on dad, but he did have a full time job and it was unreasonable for me to expect him to pick up all my pieces too. But where to start? I continued going through the motions of parenting and daily life, and I continued willing myself to get better. I’m sure you can imagine the level of success that brought.

The turning point for me was in June of 2002. During the quiet prayer time at our church’s ladies’ retreat, I read a verse that I am sure I had never noticed in my bible before that day.


Please read Part Two of my Heart of the Matter series here.

Heart of the Matter Online

It is Heart of the Matter time again. Please follow this link to read my latest article, which is actually part one of a series of four.

What's in a Name?

If you are anything like me, which I'm sure you are, there are times when you just haven't got a foggy clue what you are doing, and you are pretty sure that no one has ever felt as lost as you, and that no one could ever possibly get the disaster your brain is in. Can I get an "amen"? Anyone? Thank you.

I remember one such time. It was way back in the days of "the Townhouse" which is code for "the days when, yes we were living in the townhouse, but more than that it was in the time of life when we had 4 kids under the age of 4, and I was embroiled in my biggest life battle to date".

Someone had directed me to a blog and forum for moms where I went to find someone who understood me. Someone who'd been there. I tried to submit two questions about my state of confusion and exhaustion on the forum. The first they refused to post as it "encouraged something the moderators didn't endorse". So the second question, I made sure to be broad and unoffensive and something that would stir some helpful conversation.

What I said was something like this: "I'm a very young mom. I stay at home with my kids all the time. I love it and wouldn't have it any other way, but I'm really tired. And sometimes pretty sad. Can anyone relate?" What I received back was a bunch of platitudes and "right answers".

"No, I love it! I'm so blessed to be at home and I never feel tired or grumpy at all!"

"No, the joy of the Lord is *my* strength. I sure never feel sad at home at all!"

"Who could ever feel lonely when Jesus is your present help and comfort?"

And you know what? I knew all that. I knew that was supposed to be my reality, but the reality was that I was still tired: physically, emotionally, spiritually tired. My spiritual life was not stagnant. I was not being disobedient, or ungrateful, or rebellious. I had a wonderful husband with a fabulous marriage, and a supportive church. My little children were good sleepers and fairly obedient, all things considered. Life wasn't bad. I wasn't complaining. I was just a busy, tired woman. And no one understood. Or so I thought. They weren't hearing me. They weren't getting me. They couldn't help me.

One day in my quiet time I sat down hoping to hear a word of encouragement in my daily reading. I felt a strange prompting to read 1 Chronicles 3:8. Really? Really.

I kind of ignored it, but it wouldn't go away, so I finally turned to that spot thinking I was probably imagining things. Sure enough, the verse says this: "Elishama, Eliada, and Eliphelet". Nope. Not a word from the Lord. Just a list of names.

I tried to move on, back to my scheduled reading for the day, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I was to read that passage again. So I did, and the whole chapter looking for something in the context. Nothing. It is just a list of the descendants of David. I was hoping that those 3 names were not the ordained names for my next 3 children!

Still, I felt like I was supposed to "get" something out of that verse. Finally, I thought to look up in a bible dictionary what those names meant.

Here's what those names mean, and what the Lord wanted me to know that day: "The Lord hears, The Lord knows, and The Lord will deliver."

He understood me. He heard my prayers. He knew my heart. And, as my present help in times of trouble, he would deliver me in his time and in his way.

How grateful I was that day for 3 funny sounding names. And how grateful I am still that we have a Lord who sympathizes with our weakness, and who understands our frailty, and who can speak to any specific circumstance in our day through the Word.

What does the Lord mean to speak to you today? What burden do you need Him to carry for you? He is more than able. And more than willing. And that is a very, very good thing.

Wow-ful Women Wednesdays

"He sent from on high, he took me; he drew me out of many waters. He rescued me from my strong enemy and from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out in to a broad place, he rescued me, because he delighted in me."

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave himself up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?"



(Ps.18:16-19, Rom.8:31-32)

You Are For Me

Verse 1
So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all You do
You fill me
You see me
You know my ev'ry move
You love for me to sing to You

Chorus 1
I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who you are

Verse 2
So patient
So gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do
You fill me
You see me
You know my ev'ry move
And You love for me to sing to You Lord

CCLI Song No. 5265457
© 2008 Gateway Create Publishing (Admin. by Integrity's Praise! Music)
Kari Jobe
For use solely with the SongSelect Terms of Use. All rights Reserved. www.ccli.com
CCLI License No. 164330

Wow-ful Women Wednesday

Speechless...

Kari Jobe -- Healer



You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my life in Your hands

Closer to Fine

Wow, did you really come over here for my insights into this song? Well then, I'd better step it up and have something smart to say :-)

First off, how's this for a fabulous lyric:

"Well the darkness has a hunger that's insatiable.
And the lightness has a call that's hard to hear.
I wrapped my fear around me like a blanket.
I sailed my ship of safety til I sank it..."

I can relate to that. If you've been here any length of time, you've likely tripped across my posts on my tangle with Post-Partum depression. And you've likely also read about how I am highly driven by fear. I'm not going to get in to all of that again today, because though it was real, it will not define me. What I do want to say is that it is so very true that the darkness has an insatiable hunger, and it may well want to devour you.

However, here's the good news that the ladies in this song miss. They say "There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line."
I say there may well be many "answers", but there is surely only one truth that speaks to the heart of your confusion and sheds light on your darkness in a way that frees you indeed, fully and completely. His name is Jesus, and no matter what darkness you find yourself in, His is the light and the answer you need. And no, that is not a trite answer. It is a simple truth, with some complex implications.

So you need to know that this is one of my favourite songs of all time, and these ladies are fabulously talented. But they miss the point. There is absolute truth. There is one way. There is someone that answers all the burning questions and makes clear all the messy ideas this world tries to sell. And to say "we looked to the Bible" and to have walked away unchanged means they didn't likely look very long at all. Just this past Sunday my pastor said that in 29 years of pastoring he has yet to find an issue "come across his desk", so to speak, that did not have a resolution in the Word of God.

What questions do you have today? Are you willing to look in the Bible to find the answers? As Easter approaches, are you willing to consider the reality of who Jesus Christ is, and the sacrifice He made, and how that can change everything for you? The lyric says "The less I seek my source for some definitive the closer I am to fine." This just isn't so. The source of our life and our every breath is God the Father who made us and loves us. And so the more we seek him for the answers and purpose of our life, the closer we are to fine, and fulfilled, and content, and at peace.


I know, I know. Pretty deep thoughts for a Wow-ful Women Wednesday, but I didn't want to leave these things unsaid today. Thanks for reading...

Wow-ful Women Wednesdays

Today we celebrate a birthday in our home. My little wild card is 8 years old. She was born on Father's Day at 8:58 am. We quickly called the church and they announced her birth a mere 17 minutes after she arrived. How neat is that?

Her birth has a special place in my heart. When I was expecting her, the original ultrasound told me that she would possibly have Down's Syndrome. Now this was not something I was hoping for, clearly. What I really was not hoping for was the "suggested option" of a follow up ultrasound, an amniocentisis, and the option to terminate the pregnancy. My midwives knew this would never be a consideration of ours and so with us, they prayed that all would go well and that no matter the health of our baby, we would be prepared to love her and care for her as she needed.

And so we prayed. We prayed for healing. We prayed for a miracle. We prayed for peace of mind and strength of character to face the future with grace and boldness.

At one point, my husband had a dream. In it, he walked into a hospital room, and picked up the chart belonging to our unborn child. He opened it up to find one word written across it: resolved. We prayed that this was an answer to our prayers, and continued on in faith asking for the Lord's will to be done.

Then on June 17th our wee girl was born. Perfectly healthy. Perfectly gorgeous. One thing remained: A third fontanelle. I did not know what that meant, but my midwife informed me that it is associated as a marker for Down's. But in her ever reassuring words "But your daughter clearly does not have Down's". She was perfectly healthy and yet with this reminder of what could have been. Or perhaps what was but was healed and resolved. We will not know this side of heaven, yet we remain ever grateful for our daughter who came as she did.

She is my wowful woman-in-training today. This was a song that the Lord used to comfort and strengthen her and I both in those early weeks of sleeplessness and sadness. He was carrying me. He is carrying me. He always will carry me.

Jealousy

Alright, show of hands. How many of you parents just today had to arbitrate between two children both wanting the same toy? How many of you wish that children just naturally shared and weren't filled with such outrageous jealousy? Can I hear an "amen"? Come on now, I know I'm not alone.


But today as this happened in my home, the Lord showed me a little glimpse of a pretty great truth.

Picture it with me: child one is holding the precious toy. Child two comes and tries to snatch it away. Child one grasps it all the more firmly, wrapping his arms around himself and the precious item, perhaps turning his body away from the would-be thief and shouting "MINE!"

Yes? Familiar?

Okay: now see it again your mind, but you are the precious item. The Enemy is trying to steal you away, and the Lord is holding you ever so close, jealous for you, saying, "No. This one is mine."

No one can ever steal a child of God out of His hand. Nearly unbelievable, except to say it was unbelievable would be to say that maybe God is unloving. And I can't say that. God is infinitely loving, so of course he would hold me and keep me and be jealous for me. Consider the price he paid to own me. Why would he then let me go so easily?

But now, just stretch your heart a little further. I had a dear friend pray for me once, as I was slipping into despair and depression, saying that he was jealous for me with a godly jealousy. See, he saw the clutch that the Enemy could get on my heart and was refusing to sit by and watch it happen. He refused to not do something to protect me from what assailled me. He was jealously grabbing me in prayer and saying to Satan "No, her heart is not yours. She is mine, in as much as we are all of one body." (Read 2 Corinthians 11:2-3)

Oh, dear brothers and sisters in Christ: we need, I need, to feel that heated, divine jealousy for each other. I need to look at you in the midst of your struggles and feel as desperate for your rescue as you do. We need to look out for each other as if we were protecting our own limbs. With jealousy, holding each other close in prayer.

As much as I hate to see a selfish, jealous streak in my kids, I am so glad to have been reminded today of Christ's beautiful jealousy for me, and the challenge put out to me to be so jealous for you. I need to pray for you like your life depends on it, because it I think it does. Lord give me that love and jealousy for your people that drives me to intercede for them.

My Cure for Post-Partum Depression

A lady at church asked me once if I didn't think I was being very irresponsible for not seeking medical attention and prescription drugs as a cure for my Post-partum Depression. She felt I should have valued the "certainty" of pills over the "hope" of the gospel. You may remember from my other posts about PPD that how I was redeemed out of my pit was by meditating on the Word, choosing to believe in the promises of God as laid out in the Bible. The Psalms were certainly my most favourite spot to rest.

I have also said that I am grateful that I have never found myself back in that dark place, and very much would prefer to never return.

However....

There was a closeness and a clinging to my Father that came through that time that I would not trade for the world. I have wandered away from Him and that utter dependence for every breath and every minute of survival. That I want back.

I listened to this sermon by John Piper and thought I would add a clip here as a picture of what my getting through PPD looked like in part, and what the desire of my heart ought to be even now, perhaps especially now, in my time of comfort and relative ease.



So what do you think? How badly do you want God? I know my wanting is, well,....wanting. Lord increase my hunger for you and my desire for you. Restore me to that place of You first and You only as my survival.

EDIT: I just re-read this imagining I was someone in the midst of the grip of Post-partum depression. A point needs to be added here in that case. If you are reading this and are today suffering and desperately looking for a way out, I in no way intend to make light of your state. I in no way mean to make light of your pain. I am still close enough to it to remember. What I would want you to hear from me is that right in the middle of that pit of despair is a Hope and a Freedom. That is what I found only in worshipping and following Jesus Christ. Are there times for medication or therapy? Sure. But even if those means get you out of your depression, they will not fill you the way only Jesus can. That was the true healing I experienced: not merely the removing of my pain and symptoms, but the vast freedom and hope and lightness and joy that only comes from the Father through His Son Jesus, and wanting Him and choosing Him above everything else.

Wow-ful Women Wednesdays

Now this week it will seem like I've broken my own rules about Wow-ful Women by posting a video of a mixed-gender trio. However, this is just to prove that I'm not bound by the law. :-)

So this is The Martins, a brother and sisters group who I adore. I've seen them in concert and have some of their CD's (except for their Acappella hymns Cd...my birthday is in November. Just sayin'.)

If you don't know anything about them, let me give you the highlights: they learned harmony by singing hymns with their mom, so really their mom fits the Wow-ful Women part of this too. At the concert I attended the sister wearing a red dress in this video (that's Judy) spoke of a battle with depression she once had which of course endears her to me. She is an entirely gifted Wow-ful Woman in her own right, although this video doesn't highlight that. I actually would love to exude the peacefulness and gentleness and lady-likeness that she does. Her voice and harmonies are exceedingly beilliant to me.

Anyhow, this video highlights Joyce, the older sister. And while I am seriously not as Wow-ful as she is in most ways, there is one area that will become instantly, visually obvious to those of you who know me in which I am just that Wow-ful. Perhaps even more so....leave a comment (even snarkily if you like!) if you see what I mean. Enjoy!




And since there are three people to listen to, I figure I should post at least 2 videos! This kind of singin' is what really gets me fired up. I.want.to.do.this.

My Truth in Pictures

If this isn't just the neatest thing ever.

WonderfulPages, who I love reading, have a beautiful post up right now. A while back they hosted a blog discussion called Wonderful Worship where several of us all shared our thoughts about various aspects of worship. Then they took all the text from our posts and added them to this Wordle website to come up with the beautiful new graphic part way down on my sidebar. You can click on it to see it better.

Well, of course it sounded like too much fun, so I decided to do it to with something equally precious to me as a discussion on worship: my blog on post partum depression. Without further ado: My Truth.



You'll have to click on the one in the side bar to see it bigger because I am so computer illiterate that I don't know how to stick it in my post properly... I love that the word "depression" is ridiculously small and pale in the cloud there. Love the whole thing.

The truth of where I'm at

As you may recall, just before Christmas I spoke at my church about my fight with Post partum depression 6 years ago. Preparing for the talk and doing the talk nearly put me back in the pit, to be honest. For a few weeks after I had to really pray protection over my thoughts (and my husband helped me with that) so that I didn't fall back into a new pit of lies regarding the usefulness and shamefulness of that talk.

Since then, many many people (women and men) have approached me to talk about their own experience with different forms of depression that they themselves, or loved ones, have survived. Some tell me of those loved ones who did not survive. These conversations are incredibly overwhelming to me. I find them heartwrenching, humbling, and terrifying as they almost tempt me back to that place.

Now don't get me wrong: there was NOTHING about that place that I want to revisit, nothing that I want to subject myself or my family to again. But it is such a familiar place.

Other people approach me at church and ask how I'm doing now that my baby is 3 months old...."you know, with that stuff you talked about before". And I tell them "Praise the Lord I am doing fine".

Which really is true. Except...

I feel very much like I am walking in a broad place. It is lush and green by my feet but just a wee bit off my path the landscape becomes dry, rocky and barren. And there in that barren place is a canyon. And I know what lies at the bottom. And I don't want to see it. And yet it calls to me. Somehow it has found me and is wooing me over.

But I won't go. The journey is too hard to come home and I don't want to leave this good place: it is there, though. And it isn't going away. Always at the borders of my mind. Always just darting across my horizon. Threatening to engulf me when my defenses are down. Readying itself to laugh and remind me that I really do belong there after all.

But I won't go. He who is in me is stronger than he that is in that hell of a pit. With my eyes fixed on Christ I cannot fall. It is for freedom that Christ set me free, and I will remain free indeed.

So when you ask me how I am doing, I will tell you the truth. I am doing just fine. But only by the Grace of God. I see the alternative off in the distance, waiting for me, and I say "not today".

Not today.

Truth

This won't likely be the most pretty post in the Carnival of Beauty this week, but it will be about Truth as it is supposed to be. (please do follow that link and read the other participants of this weeks carnival.) Sometimes the truth of a situation is not pretty, but the Lord's truth comes shining through in His beauty at the right time. That is what this post will look like. Ready?





After baby #3 and baby #4, I struggled with what I'm guessing is Post-Partum depression. I say I'm guessing because I didn't actually go to the doctor to find out if that's what it was or not. Truthfully, I had previously thought it was a joke, the whole PPD thing. Seriously, maybe you are tired, maybe you are grumpy, maybe you just want some attention, but honestly? SNAP OUT OF IT!





Except then I felt that way too. And I realized my arrogance and rudeness and judgemental attitude that I'd held for all those years. So now, as I was feeling like a loser for having been so wrong in the past, now I also felt like jumping off my roof onto a concrete pad, hoping that it would be a far enough jump that I could just wake up in Heaven.





I remember calling my friend and after hearing her "hello" I said "Remind me again why I should want to still be alive?"





I never had one dangerous thought towards my children, for which I praise the Lord. Quite the opposite. I figured if they were done with me they, and my husband, could move on to a better mom, better wife, better life. (see I told you this might get ugly).





And still, as I laid in bed every morning, so dismayed that I had actually woken up again, I knew I couldn't just stay there even though my limbs were like cement. There were 4 children who needed me. If I didn't get up they would not eat. They would sit in their soiled diapers in their cribs all day crying out for a mother who was failing them. I could not let that happen. I had a choice to make. Dragging my self through the day with tears and prayers, I did what I could to do the bare minimums. There was no joy in my soul. I loved my children, I loved my husband, I loved worshipping my Lord, and yet it was all hollow. There was no 'getting myself out' of the pit. I needed Someone's help.





For me the help came in the form of the Word of the Lord. I was believing lies: I was a failure. I couldn't do it all. No one understood. My guilt was too great. My life was too hard. I would never feel joy again.





Turning to the Word for TRUTH, beautiful life giving truth, I found words of encouragement and promise that I wrote out in my Bible to read and re-read every day. Without these I would sink. With them, by the Lord's strength I could slowly stand.





It took time, it took a deliberate choice on my part, and it took the Beauty of the Truth of the Word to pull me out. God is good. I have not found myself there again, by His mercy. And I still stand on these words of promise (this is a long list so get ready!)





(Mat 5:4)

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.



(Mat 11:28)

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.

"For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."



Psa 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

2Co 4:8 we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing;

persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;



Psa 28:7 The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, And with my song I shall thank Him.



Psa 43:5 Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why are you disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.



Psa 16:10 For You will not abandon my soul to Sheol; Nor will You allow Your Holy One to undergo decay.

You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.



Rom 11:1 I say then, God has not rejected His people, has He? May it never be! For I too am an Israelite, a descendant of Abraham, of the tribe of Benjamin.

God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. Or do you not know what the Scripture says in the passage about Elijah, how he pleads with God against Israel?



Jer 31:13 "Then the virgin will rejoice in the dance, And the young men and the old, together, For I will turn their mourning into joy And will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow.



Psa 139:11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,"

Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.



Joh 14:1 "Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me.



Job 17:7 "My eye has also grown dim because of grief, And all my members are as a shadow.

Job 17:9 "Nevertheless the righteous will hold to his way, And he who has clean hands will grow stronger and stronger.



Psa 30:2 O LORD my God, I cried to You for help, and You healed me.

O LORD, You have brought up my soul from Sheol; You have kept me alive, that I would not go down to the pit.

Sing praise to the LORD, you His godly ones, And give thanks to His holy name.




There were other verses that He used to speak the truth of His love for me, but space would dictate that I don't include them all. The Beauty of Truth is that EVERY TIME it combats the lies that live in our minds. Thank You Lord for that.