Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Looking for a medical doctor in all the wrong places

This could be a real lengthy post, but as I've already blogged once today I'll keep this short.

I'm thinking of taking up a survey here. You'll find out the subject matter in just a second (or a minute depending on how fast you read). I am looking for a family doctor for my clan. This is not as easy as it sounds. Yesterday I called one office where I couldn't actually even speak to a human being. I was told to leave my name, address, phone number, last family doctor's name, and number of people in my family and then maybe they'd call me back with my name on the waiting list....maybe....and I should expect to wait 6 to 8 weeks to hear from them.

WHAAAT?

Yeah. So I figure the "there are 9 of us in my family" line probably scratched me off the list. I even tried to sound pathetic and say "I just would like a dr. for me and my new born son...." (insert violins swelling).

So today I call another office. I actually spoke to what I assume was a person, although her responses were so scripted it was hard to tell. She told me "Our practice is a group practice which means that anytime you book an appointment you can see one of 4 doctors who work here. We are run and managed by the Ministry of Health and because of that we only see 4 categories of patients. Those categories are 65+, 19-25, Low Income, and moderately to severely mentally handicapped. If you find yourself in any of those categories, I can take your name and address and mail you a form so you can begin the application process to see if we can be your care providers. Do you fit into any of those categories?"
So here is where the survey comes in: you tell me, do YOU think I'm moderately to severely mentally handicapped? I mean I *do* have 7 kids and all.

My Son, King of the Painfully Obvious

"Hey Mom, I found my old friend, Blue Bear!"

"Wow honey, that's great!"

"Mom, do you know why I call him Blue Bear?"

"No. Why?"

"Because he is blue, and he's a bear."

"You don't say?"


"....but I guess you knew that right?"

Monday, April 28, 2008

Heard At My House

actually, to be precise this was heard while walking through a parking lot...

Setting: Just spent 1 hour with 9 yr old and 8 yr old daughters (whilst carrying wee baby in his car seat) ballisitically trying on clothes for Shelley's wedding. (and having NOOOOOO luck).

Me: Your father is going to wonder what took us so long to get home.


9 yr old: Yeah, But he won't mind. I'll just explain that you were trying on clothes and everything was instyle except you.

ouch.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I Ain't No Computer Geek

My lovely husband, who truly thinks higher of me and my intelligence than he ought, recently purchased for me a lovely used laptop. I was in my glory. The whole purpose of said purchase (wow, that was fun to say) was to facillitate my writing genius whilst enabling my homeschool teacherness.

Allow me to back up for a minute: I love writing my own curriculum for my children. I'm not talking about replacing Abeka and Saxon Math here. I'm talking about Unit Studies and Literature Guides. My dear friend does this also. She was so industrious as to actually figure out how and where to sell her Literature Guides as e-books. Go to her blog and check out the links and buy several copies. She is a missionary now and needs your help to get to Papua New Guinea! (I'm not kidding: go buy one! but then come right back here).

Anyway, back to me (it's always all about me here at Fuel). So my hubby and Kristina were both on me to get writing again and get my units ready for sale. This was highly motivating to me, because even though I'm NOT going to PNG, it would be so fun to actually make some money from something I love doing. But see besides these units there is a pretty funny Chapter One to a novel that I've started that I should finish and also a book about postpartum depression that Kristina and my beau want me to finish.

Hence the computer. (that was for you again Mike!) You see, my dear brilliant children work very well on their own at the dining room table and I am free to leave the room to change laundry, feed a baby, change a diaper etc. I can even run downstairs to the computer to check email on occassion, but the disappearing into a writing frenzy (which has happened) is not conducive to homeschool life or to living like a partially sanctified woman. When I have tried this, the kids feel abandoned (and rightfully so), I feel interuppted and grumpy (when they have the *audaucity* to come and ask for long division help) and then I feel guilty for making it all about me (while this is par for the course on the blog, it really shouldn't be like that in the home). So the brilliant idea that I planted in my husband's brain was that if I had a laptop I could write at the dining room table being creative and teacherish all at once.

SO smart.

Well, didn't he just surprise me by doing this. And a lovely wee box she is. One problem. When I turned the computer on it said I was "Administrator" and had a picture of a karate kid. So not my style. My computer: my name: my avatar....right? How complicated can this be? Well, more than I could handle apparently. Remember the subtitle up there at the top? I could change the picture, but not the name. Really not that important right?

Right.

So I ignore it while my husband rips my favourite CD's on to iTunes and uploads eSword (thanks to Uncle Jack for clarifying those terms for me...see the subtitle). Then I get busy writing the study questions to Chapter One of Little Women. This will be my next Literature Guide to write and likely the first one I will sell. My other guides that are completed need some editing before I sell them. I could have worked on those first, but they are on our main computer and I really didn't think I could figure out how to transfer them to a jumpstick (is that what it is even called?) and then on to my computer with out deleting somebodies hard drive or at the least, losing all the work I had already done on my study guides (wait for the ironic moment...it is coming).

Chapter one is masterfully completed. I can hear the cash registers binging in the distance. And just as the pride swells, the notion comes to mind that maybe changing the user account name wouldn't be that hard. Or maybe I could transfer all the stuff I just did to a new user account and then delete the account I didn't want. (oh oh....the ironic moment....wait for it, wait for it....)

So after several feeble attempts, all I managed to do was create a new account under the name "Barbara" (predictable, I know, but pretty easy to remember) complete with snowflake avatar... Can't move files, can't change user account names, can't delete old or new accounts. fantastic. So now when i turn the computer on it will have two user accounts to choose from: one looks like it should be me, but clearly isn't. One doesn't look like me, but has all my stuff on it.


aaaarrrrgh.

So I log off, shut down and pack it up for a day or two.

Just now, just minutes ago, I boot her up again, and low and behold there is no "Administrator" account showing. Just Barbara and her stupid snowflake. With great trepidation, I log on to Barbara's account.

No music in the iTunes library.

No files saved in Word.

Therefore, no masterfully completed Chapter One to Little Women.

And somehow: no.administrator.stinkin.account.with.all.my.stuff.on.it.

double AAAAARRRRRGGHHH!

Somehow I have deleted it after all. Any computer geeks out there got a hint for me as to where to find it? maybe? (insert sound of crickets chirping)

In the meantime, I think I'll start writing another Book. I think I'll call it "Dummies for Windows 2000"....


Edit and Update: This just in! My totally brilliant husband just came home from work and restored my computer to how it was before I bunged it up! :-) (He is a Dr. you know!) So my marvellous chapter one and all my favourite CD's are happily there....under Administrator with a karate kid picture....I'll change the picture ;-)

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Mama Told Me There'd Be Days Like These

I'm so glad I didn't get a chance to post yesterday like I had planned because otherwise you would have missed out on one more stupendous thing that happened (or almost happened) on our wonderful Monday.

It all started out with Friday actually. Our 6 year old spent most of the previous night throwing up, unbeknownst to us. How exciting to think that she actually got to the toilet, actually used it properly, actually cleaned herself up, and DIDN'T wake us up! Okay I felt a little guilty about that, but not much since if she *really* needed us, she knew where to get us. I was taking it as a real sign of independence, maturity, initiative! Hurray for that!

The rest of that day she was pretty floppy on the couch, but wasn't sick anymore. Maybe that was it? A shortlived bug? Ah no. It wasn't meant to be. On Saturday two more kiddies started to look pretty wan. (this would be the 5 yo and the 4 yo). And indeed, Saturday night while my wee 9 week old baby was sleeping a beautiful, solid 10 hours (Praise the Lord!), both my hubby and I had 2 trips upstairs to take care of some barfing child. Great.

Now it is Sunday morning and we have a decision to make. To drive the hour to church with everyone or not? At least one of us had to go to facillitate a parenting course for expectant couples. I'm thinking that means Chris since I'd have to nurse a baby in there somewhere and miss half the sermon anyway (no offense Mike! Any chance we can hook those speakers up again in the nursing lounge?). But as we observe our kiddies they are playing at full strength, happy as clams, and quick to obey. Could it be safe to take them into church?

We are lulled into safety by their behaviour and jump in the car....early in fact. We drive to our local Tim's for a bagel on the road (dry toast is good for tummies anyway right?) and cross our fingers hoping for the best.

Well let me just say that, in this one occassion anyhow, it is a good thing that I'm too lazy to take the empty coffee cups up to the garbage can with me before I bring back the new coffee cups.....

Part way down the road Mr. 4 and Miss 5 are sharing a medium roll up the rim cup (not a winner, dont' worry) to empty their stomachs. Chris and I REALLY quickly finished our coffee so they could at least have an empty, personalized cup. (gross)

Don't worry. We did not take these children to infect the nursery. Instead we took them to infect the inlaws house! :-) I went with 5 kiddies to mom and dad's to let everyone empty out in a more sanitary fashion while Chris went to teach young soon to be parents about the peaceful joy of raising children. Oh the irony.

Somehow that did it. No more pukes. All day they were fine. They played hard, they ate lightly. We are good to go.....until the ride home when Miss 5 decided to use the starbucks cup that we had brought into the car just in case. No one wants to hear "Mom, the cup is full but I think I have to throw up again now" from the back seat. Nice. I wonder if that is part of the problem....4 children aged 9, 8, 5 and 4 all squished into the back bench....

And finally now onto Monday...over the night there was more upchucking from the 4 and 5 year olds, but it seems we are on the mend. Until I hear a little voice calling to me from the basement while I'm cleaning up from breakfast "Mom, I thought I had a toot, but now there is dirty in my pants". Never thought I would have to make a general announcement to the whole family like this: "If at any point today you think you need to toot, please run to the bathroom and do it over the toilet just in case, okay?" What would the Dr.Phil cameras think of that parenting technique?

seriously.

As you may recall, Monday is one of two laundry days around here. And as you may recall I do at least 20 loads a week....that is without the flu invading my kids' sheets and underwear. Good times.

Now if you were me, wouldn't you have taken the hint that we are a sick house and should just pull down the shades, lock the doors, put on Apart From the King and drink gingerale?

No no, not this trooper. Glutton for punishment. "Oh it is so sunny and beautiful, and not quite freezing outside. The wind only is whipping at 30 km/h today....let's go for a walk"

Oh yeah. There's wisdom shouting in the streets.


So off we troop to the library. The library of all places. This haven of peace and tranquility where I have a reputation as a "peaceful" mom with "wonderful" children....

As we are studiously picking out books on Canadian geography and gardening, and looking for reading material that will challenge, yet encourage our new readers, and while 21m old V and the 9 week old baby are wowing Dear Mrs. Anne with their cuteness ....lo what bellowing breaks the silence:


"Mom! Mooooommmmmmmmy! Help! I need your help!" (this sounds like Miss 5, I think to myself, looking over my shoulder to see where she is).


"I think she's locked herself in the bathroom" says 9yo Miss M


Suddenly I discern that that would have been the least of our problems. I go into the bathroom to see what our J used to politely refer to as "ya-ya" all over the library toilet and all over my Miss 5's legs. "Look what I did. I'm so sorry. I wasn't trying. I didn't mean to. I don't know how it happened. " as she begins to cry.


And as she begins to cry I have what is indeed a supernatural intervention. Because instead of freaking out and bemoaning the fact that I'm an idiot for ever leaving the house and what is the Lord THINKING for giving ME of all people these chidlren to care for....instead of that, I carefully, quickly, lovingly cleaned everything up and gave my wee girl a hug. She says "What are you doing?" I say "Cleaning up" She looks at what that requires and says "Gross".

Yes. My life in a nutshell.

But it doesn't stop there. See that is where I would have ended had I posted yesterday afternoon. But still not having learned that Monday would have been a REALLY good day to stay home, I also went out to the grocery store last night. All by myself. At 7:00pm. Grown up time.


So I shop at Food Basics. This goes very well, very quickly, and for less cashola than I expected. Hurray for 88 cent cucumbers!

I think to myself: I should go see if Reitmans has any jeans on sale. I'm in a drama at my church on Sunday and I think I should wear jeans in it. I'd like a new pair for that. So I race to the mall knowing they close in 30 minutes. I apologize to the staff for being a last minute customer. They don't mind. I see a great pair of jeans for $17.99....fantastic. I try them on. My thighs look like sausages. Not going to happen. How can I expect the congregation to hear from the Lord through a drama when the girl in the play looks like breakfast meat? So right quick I take them off (trying to get out before the staff thinks I'm going to make them work overtime) put on my shoes put my hand on the change room handle and start to turn it when Praise the Lord I realize something critical...


I did not put MY pants back on.


Wowsers. Now wouldn't THAT have been great. Imagine the headlines "Crazy woman who had 7 kids in 9 years snaps and becomes and exhibitionist in Reitmans"....

Oh it is good to laugh, especially at myself. Thankfully no one threw up last night, nor did they have any spontaneous anal emissions. My laundry from yesterday all got washed so today I can get the kids to help fold it and put it away.

School will happen, life will happen, and somewhere in there I'll have a cup of tea and nurse a baby 7 times. I'm happy with my life, no matter how weird it gets!

Mama Told Me There'd Be Days Like These

I'm so glad I didn't get a chance to post yesterday like I had planned because otherwise you would have missed out on one more stupendous thing that happened (or almost happened) on our wonderful Monday.

It all started out with Friday actually. Our 6 year old spent most of the previous night throwing up, unbeknownst to us. How exciting to think that she actually got to the toilet, actually used it properly, actually cleaned herself up, and DIDN'T wake us up! Okay I felt a little guilty about that, but not much since if she *really* needed us, she knew where to get us. I was taking it as a real sign of independence, maturity, initiative! Hurray for that!

The rest of that day she was pretty floppy on the couch, but wasn't sick anymore. Maybe that was it? A shortlived bug? Ah no. It wasn't meant to be. On Saturday two more kiddies started to look pretty wan. (this would be the 5 yo and the 4 yo). And indeed, Saturday night while my wee 9 week old baby was sleeping a beautiful, solid 10 hours (Praise the Lord!), both my hubby and I had 2 trips upstairs to take care of some barfing child. Great.

Now it is Sunday morning and we have a decision to make. To drive the hour to church with everyone or not? At least one of us had to go to facillitate a parenting course for expectant couples. I'm thinking that means Chris since I'd have to nurse a baby in there somewhere and miss half the sermon anyway (no offense Mike! Any chance we can hook those speakers up again in the nursing lounge?). But as we observe our kiddies they are playing at full strength, happy as clams, and quick to obey. Could it be safe to take them into church?

We are lulled into safety by their behaviour and jump in the car....early in fact. We drive to our local Tim's for a bagel on the road (dry toast is good for tummies anyway right?) and cross our fingers hoping for the best.

Well let me just say that, in this one occassion anyhow, it is a good thing that I'm too lazy to take the empty coffee cups up to the garbage can with me before I bring back the new coffee cups.....

Part way down the road Mr. 4 and Miss 5 are sharing a medium roll up the rim cup (not a winner, dont' worry) to empty their stomachs. Chris and I REALLY quickly finished our coffee so they could at least have an empty, personalized cup. (gross)

Don't worry. We did not take these children to infect the nursery. Instead we took them to infect the inlaws house! :-) I went with 5 kiddies to mom and dad's to let everyone empty out in a more sanitary fashion while Chris went to teach young soon to be parents about the peaceful joy of raising children. Oh the irony.

Somehow that did it. No more pukes. All day they were fine. They played hard, they ate lightly. We are good to go.....until the ride home when Miss 5 decided to use the starbucks cup that we had brought into the car just in case. No one wants to hear "Mom, the cup is full but I think I have to throw up again now" from the back seat. Nice. I wonder if that is part of the problem....4 children aged 9, 8, 5 and 4 all squished into the back bench....

And finally now onto Monday...over the night there was more upchucking from the 4 and 5 year olds, but it seems we are on the mend. Until I hear a little voice calling to me from the basement while I'm cleaning up from breakfast "Mom, I thought I had a toot, but now there is dirty in my pants". Never thought I would have to make a general announcement to the whole family like this: "If at any point today you think you need to toot, please run to the bathroom and do it over the toilet just in case, okay?" What would the Dr.Phil cameras think of that parenting technique?

seriously.

As you may recall, Monday is one of two laundry days around here. And as you may recall I do at least 20 loads a week....that is without the flu invading my kids' sheets and underwear. Good times.

Now if you were me, wouldn't you have taken the hint that we are a sick house and should just pull down the shades, lock the doors, put on Apart From the King and drink gingerale?

No no, not this trooper. Glutton for punishment. "Oh it is so sunny and beautiful, and not quite freezing outside. The wind only is whipping at 30 km/h today....let's go for a walk"

Oh yeah. There's wisdom shouting in the streets.


So off we troop to the library. The library of all places. This haven of peace and tranquility where I have a reputation as a "peaceful" mom with "wonderful" children....

As we are studiously picking out books on Canadian geography and gardening, and looking for reading material that will challenge, yet encourage our new readers, and while 21m old V and the 9 week old baby are wowing Dear Mrs. Anne with their cuteness ....lo what bellowing breaks the silence:


"Mom! Mooooommmmmmmmy! Help! I need your help!" (this sounds like Miss 5, I think to myself, looking over my shoulder to see where she is).


"I think she's locked herself in the bathroom" says 9yo Miss M


Suddenly I discern that that would have been the least of our problems. I go into the bathroom to see what our J used to politely refer to as "ya-ya" all over the library toilet and all over my Miss 5's legs. "Look what I did. I'm so sorry. I wasn't trying. I didn't mean to. I don't know how it happened. " as she begins to cry.


And as she begins to cry I have what is indeed a supernatural intervention. Because instead of freaking out and bemoaning the fact that I'm an idiot for ever leaving the house and what is the Lord THINKING for giving ME of all people these chidlren to care for....instead of that, I carefully, quickly, lovingly cleaned everything up and gave my wee girl a hug. She says "What are you doing?" I say "Cleaning up" She looks at what that requires and says "Gross".

Yes. My life in a nutshell.

But it doesn't stop there. See that is where I would have ended had I posted yesterday afternoon. But still not having learned that Monday would have been a REALLY good day to stay home, I also went out to the grocery store last night. All by myself. At 7:00pm. Grown up time.


So I shop at Food Basics. This goes very well, very quickly, and for less cashola than I expected. Hurray for 88 cent cucumbers!

I think to myself: I should go see if Reitmans has any jeans on sale. I'm in a drama at my church on Sunday and I think I should wear jeans in it. I'd like a new pair for that. So I race to the mall knowing they close in 30 minutes. I apologize to the staff for being a last minute customer. They don't mind. I see a great pair of jeans for $17.99....fantastic. I try them on. My thighs look like sausages. Not going to happen. How can I expect the congregation to hear from the Lord through a drama when the girl in the play looks like breakfast meat? So right quick I take them off (trying to get out before the staff thinks I'm going to make them work overtime) put on my shoes put my hand on the change room handle and start to turn it when Praise the Lord I realize something critical...


I did not put MY pants back on.


Wowsers. Now wouldn't THAT have been great. Imagine the headlines "Crazy woman who had 7 kids in 9 years snaps and becomes and exhibitionist in Reitmans"....

Oh it is good to laugh, especially at myself. Thankfully no one threw up last night, nor did they have any spontaneous anal emissions. My laundry from yesterday all got washed so today I can get the kids to help fold it and put it away.

School will happen, life will happen, and somewhere in there I'll have a cup of tea and nurse a baby 7 times. I'm happy with my life, no matter how weird it gets!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Heard At My House

4yr old C: (Looking at my eggplant parmesean I'm making for supper)

"I always think this looks SOOOO yummy.
But when I taste it I don't think so anymore."

True Confessions

Some time ago while our family was attending a different church, which shall remain nameless, a lady stood up at the women's prayer meeting I was at and asked for prayer regarding her struggles with food. She was a heavy lady who had battled her whole life with dieting and bingeing and berating herself. Constantly obsessed with food and losing weight, she had made her diet her god. She asked for prayer, and then said, "I'm sure I'm not alone. If there are others who struggle with food addictions, please come for prayer with me."

So, humbled, I too stood up, walked to the front with everybody watching, and confessed that I too am addicted to food, and obsessed with it and would like prayer for it. Or I would have said that, if the lady who had invited us up hadn't turned to me and said "Oh you don't have a problem. Sit down you skinny brat."
Well, if that doesn't just put a foul taste in a girls mouth.

What I tried to convince her after she removed her foot from her mouth was that just because one doesn't look overly fat, one can still be obsessed with food. Even if all you eat is healthy, low cal, whole foods you can still be addicted. Even if you are exercising and losing weight, even if you are a size 4 you can still be obsessed and struggling in this area.

She didn't get it.

All she wanted was to be not heavy and figured that would take her mind off of it and make her forget her god of appetite.

She was wrong.

Today I started The Lord's Table, (thanks Kate and Kristina) an online bible study to set you free from food addictions and obsessions. I know I am not fat per se. I also know I am 40 pounds heavier than I'd like to be. I also know I've had 7 kids in 9 years and could give myself a bit of a break. I also know that my family eats really healthfully.

I also know that I just got off the phone with my girlfriend who is one step closer to moving to PNG for 2 years and as soon as I hung up I ate a small bowl of leftover noodles, a chocolate Twinkie (left here by my mom who knows how long ago) and two spoonfuls of PB and maple syrup.

That, my friends, is called comforting oneself with food, rather than "taking it to the Lord in prayer". Otherwise known as "a food god."

When we lived in California a million years ago, I weighed a wee little 120. Praise the Lord. I still was constantly thinking about eating and losing weight. I still snuck my car into Taco Bell hoping that no one I knew would see me there. Afterall, I was a vegan don't you know. (although you'd be hard pressed to find any real meat or cheese at taco bell...)

And now I sneak food (albeit sometimes very healthy) when I'm alone or when I'm sad, happy, tired, angry, ticked of at my laziness, disgusted by my sin, surprised by my victories, rejoicing, mourning.....

you get the picture?

That is a "food god". And it is time for him to go.

How pathetic that it is taking me so long to get here. How pathetic that even as I'm writing this I know I need to stop sneaking food and I'm getting anxious about it. How pathetic that already there is this nagging voice in the back of my head saying "you don't really think it will be different this time do you?"

aaaarrrrrgh! so frustrating.

So there you have it. Was that more information than you wanted? No one likes these kinds of posts, and no one knows how to comment on them. I was just struck by my wholehearted committment at 8am when I did my study and then my complete failure at 3pm when I talked with Kristina.

so much for that. I thought maybe if I yelled at myself via blog I'd have a wake up call and focus a bit better tomorrow. I'll let you know, whether you like it or not.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Heard At My House

Setting: Watching Lady and the Tramp with my 9 and 8 year old daughters.


8yr old J: Who is singing right now?

Me: Lady.

J: But her lips aren't moving.

Me: Well, I think she's thinking singing.

J: But Dogs can't sing.

Me: Well, she's been talking the whole movie, and dogs can't talk either.

J: (sigh) This movie is SO anthropomorphic

Friday, April 4, 2008

I Really Do Want to Post Deeply Today

But did I mention that I'm a homeschool mom with a new born? Yup. Time for blogging is fleeting these days.

However, for those of you who want to know me better, and who want to read their bible more, here is a little scavenger hunt for you. If you don't fall into either of these categories, feel free to stop reading now and come back another day :-)

In my quiet time the other day, I had a bit of an "aha" moment that has become fuel for meditation this week. I read Psalm 2, and I realized that I feel like the Lord deals with me like vss. 4-5 and 10-12 describe, and not at all like Isaiah 42:3 (which I also read that day, which happens to be one of my most favourite verses of all times).

Clearly I have some issues. I began praying for a picture or a verse to explain to me how the Lord really does view me, and what character trait of the Lord I need to focus on and start believing. The verse I need to have burned on my heart and mind is Luke15:20. I just don't get that. I want to get that. I believe it for others. I have not grasped it in my life. (Boy I hope you have your Bible open reading along so you are piecing this together with me.)

This Easter and the days surrounding it I have realized how I have been despising (by which I mean "de-valuing", as Mike taught one year) Christ's sacrifice on the cross. I have this warped perception that Christ's death was adequate payment for everyone's sin but mine. And so the Father has to exercise additional punishment in my life to make up for it. As if Christ's death on the cross was enough to buy my salvation, but not enough to make me fully righteous in God's eyes. Can anyone say "legalism"?

So, as I focused on the cross over Easter, and now continue to meditate on verses like Isaiah 49:15 I am cut to the quick by my arrogance and self centeredness that somehow, I'm too big of a problem for the Lord to solve. My focus has become so much 'me' and nowhere near enough on His greatness, His goodness, His all-sufficiency, His loving-ness.

I know He is just. Clearly the struggle for me is to truly "get" that as the catechism says, "Christ satisfied divine justice". In the words of my once 2 year old daughter "All done, Funny Guy". It is ALL Done. When He said "It is finished" He didn't have a parenthesy saying (except for Barbara because whoa is that girl messed up).

Because of previous relationships with people in my life I have a "not good enough" complex in a ton of areas (yes, I realize that is still self-centeredness). What I need to realize is that in this one area it is a given that I'll never be good enough and that's okay because Christ is signifcantly more than good enough. When God the Father, my judge looks at me on the last day, He will see me covered with the garment of Righteousness that Christ has bought for me and adorned me with. That's all that matters. That's where my focus and gratitude and energies need to rest.

I'm so sorry Lord that I'm such a slow learner. Help me to keep my eyes on You and off of me. I really want to get this.