Top Ten List

I just read this over at my friend's blog and was inspired to do a variation. Here are:

The Top 10 Comments I Hear When I Leave The House With All My Kids
10. Are they all yours?
9. Don't you know what causes this?
8. You should watch more T.V.
7. You must be busy!
6. I couldn't do that.
5. You must be very patient.
4. You must homeschool.
3. Are they twins or triplets?
2. Be glad they're not boys.
And (drum roll please) the Number 1 Comment I Hear When I Leave the House With All My Kids
1. What kind of car do you drive? A bus?
Well, I'm sure you've heard the same, or worse. At least now we can say that we are the proud owners of a new (to us) GMC Safari, otherwise known as the "Christian Mobile" by a lady here in town. Seems all the large-ish families drive one (you know, before they get so big they need to buy a bus). So sorry, Onfire, you are going to have to memorize my new license plate....once I figure it out myself!

When Will My Grumpy, Selfish, Judgmental Attitude Go Away?

disclaimer: for those of you who don't want to actually get to know the real me, stop reading now. This post is going to be a little too honest.

Do you ever wonder how long it will take for the Lord to complete that good work in you that He started. You know, the one He will be faithful to perfect? yeah. me too.

So here I am in Church yesterday and the service was run by the guys from Teen Challenge. They are full of life men who were previously addicted to drugs and alcohol and who have found freedom and new life in Christ. The program is fantastically successful (is fantastically even a word?) and the men have the most stirring testimonies. So I was really enjoying the service.

And then I saw one of the guys, and for a moment, actually for a long moment, I was pretty convinced that I knew him. Not only did I think I knew him, but I thought he was my boss (who I didn't really get along with very well) from my days of working at Tim Horton's (a job I really loathed. Stay tuned. There is a blog coming about that). Here's where the old sin nature in me rears its ugly head. I was just dying to know if was him or not. My stomach got all full of knots as I remembered what it felt like to work for him. I remembered how small and stupid I felt working for this guy who made himself look pretty big and impressive at his employees expense. And so instead of looking with Christian compassion at him and thinking "Wow. Is that him? I wonder if he's okay. How sad that he must have hit bottom, but thank God for His mercies and for this program to show him the way" I looked at him with my old sinful heart and for a moment thought "Now how do you feel, Mr. Wonderful. Guess now I'm the one who's "got it all together"."

Seriously? How can I be like that? We had just sung praises and worshipped our Lord with lyrics like "To You I lift up my soul, In You is all my hope", and "You set my feet upon a rock, You made my footstep sure", and "We are the broken, You are the Healer", and boy did I mean those things. Really really. Except then not 20 minutes later I am revelling in the thought that someone else might be in that same pit that I have supposedly been lifted out of!

Lord, my heart is two-sided. I am a sad representative of your forgiveness. I am too much like the man in Jesus' parable who was forgiven an enormous debt by the King and then proceeded to require payment from another man who only owed him a little. Rend my heart. Pour into me the compassion for my fellow man, even those who have hurt me, so that I can be like You, who had compassion on me, even though I killed Your Son. Let me not be the kind of person who wants to see my enemies "get what's coming to them" in such a vindictive and caustic way. And mostly, forgive my lying lips that in one minute praises You for being my redeemer, and then in the next mocks a man (whoever he was) for needing that same redemption. We have ALL sinned and fallen short of Your glory. Let me not be proud that I have not sinned "in that way". As if my sin was any more appealing to You. I'm sorry that for all the work You have done and are doing in my life that I am stil so resistant and that I'm making so much more work for You to do.

Photographs Don't Lie (But Sometimes I Wish They Would)

I have a photograph of myself that I like to keep as "Motivation" (read: punishment). It is from a million years ago when I was 21 and my husband and I were visiting the Grand Canyon. What is interesting about it is that I am unbelievably skinny. And so the "motivation" (read: torture). I like to drag it out every so often to "motivate" me to get back to that weight, that happier time (as if weighing close to nothing is a remedy for stress). But here is where the truth of the photo comes in: I used to be skinny. Now I'm not. Hmmm. Can't deny it. It is right there in black and white (literally).

Okay: another example. My wedding album is filled with truly gorgeous pictures of truly happy people. Except for one. The photo that my sister decided to show up for clearly communicates the tensions in my side of the family. There we all are, "smiling". But the mood in that picture is in stark contrast to the genuine love my family is exuding in every other picture. You can tell by her 'smile' that she would rather be any where else, and you can tell by our 'smiles' that we are well aware that she would rather be any where else but we don't quite know what to do about it.

Okay: another example. How about a happy one this time. I am holding my wee baby girl at the local fall fair in the baby competition (yes, I realize that is a little pathetic) and I am smiling. Really smiling. The smile of a woman content with her choice to change her mind and want another baby even though she knows it is going to be hard, tiring work, but who understands there is a joy to be had here in just holding this little one and showing her off (and all that she represents) to the whole world. (I hope you are okay with run-on sentences...). The truth in this photo is that I can see that when I do what the Lord puts on my heart to do, I have that look of contentment all over me because it is oozing out from the inside.

It is kind of like the Bible. The Word is compared to a mirror in that when we read the Word our true selves are revealed. So, I can't keep saying to myself "I've always been fat and so I'll always be fat" now that I've seen that skinny picture. In the same way, I can't say "God will never forgive me for that" now that I've read His promises to forgive. The Beauty of Photographs, is that they truly represent who we once were, where we once went, what we once saw. The Beauty of the Word is that it truly conveys the Truth of who God is, what He has done, and who we can be through His grace.

Lord, let me use the photos of my history to see your hand in my life. To remind me of who I was, and who You are making me to be. Thank You.

Good Enough To Eat

The other morning, as my family was dashing out the door to a homeschool event, my dear son said the most remarkable thing to me. I was feeling a little frumpy that morning (can anyone relate?) so to perk up a bit, I spritzed on some of my perfume ("Obsession" for those of you who want to know).

As I was buckling the baby into her car seat and doing up my son's shoes, he leans in and says, "You smell good, Mommy. So good I think I want to bite your neck and eat you! Why do you smell so good?"

And so began a conversation on perfume. However, if I had really been on the ball, I would have made it an object lesson and said, "Well, Thanks be to God, who always leads us in His triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place. (2 Cor. 2:15)" Well, that might have been a bit much.

Still, the fact remains that when Christ is dwelling in us we exude an aroma, a fragrance, that is pleasing to Him and to those who are being saved around us. And the Word challenges us to "Taste and see that the Lord is good. (Ps.34:8)" If we are open to enjoying the fragrance of His presence, maybe we will be bold enough to 'take a bite' and experience Him fully. That is true satisfaction! And hopefully that fragrance will be a better fix for the 'frumpy' days when they come.

Lord, let us be like that garland of grace that is made of Your fragrance. Let us be noticeably beautiful to those around us, both those being saved and those perishing. And let us seek You for the fulfillment we desire. And in the meantime, thank you for precious sons who love their mommas.

He Shall Add Bitterness

This morning with my children, we discussed one of the bible accounts of Moses and the Israelites in the wilderness. Remember the story when they were desperately thirsty, they found water and it was dreadfully bitter? Okay, so that is what we were discussing.

I reminded my second born that the meanings of her first and second names, when put together, are "He shall add bitterness". I told her that this story in the scriptures helps to explain why that is not a bad name-meaning for such a beautiful girl.

The year she was born came in the middle of some very difficult years for us. My husband and I had some very large and difficult life decisions to make primarily regarding his work. But his work change was actually just a symbol of the greater whole of what the Lord was doing in our lives. He was breaking us down so that He could build us up His way. They were years of tearing down old, false foundations so we could lay firm foundations on things that would last. They were years where I cried out from my heart with the psalmist:
"Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am pining away....but Thou, O Lord, How long?.... I am weary with my sighing; Every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears. My eye has wasted away with grief." (Ps. 6)
And yet in the middle of those years, He was so overwhelmingly gracious to us, physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually...abundantly meeting all of our needs and shaping us into vessels He could use.

This is what I wanted the children to notice in the Bible story for the morning: In the middle of their bitter time, the Lord granted sweet springs. He still works that miracle today. In the middle of our bitter times, He provides sweet springs of living water. So yes, He shall add bitterness, but along with it comes the sweet miracle of hope.
"For the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my supplication, The Lord receives my prayer." (Ps. 6)

Too Much Information

At my Sign Language class on Monday I was privy to a most discouraging conversation. I am clearly the "old mother hen" in this group of College girls. There are two women there who are likely older than me, but, judging on their comments in class, they are definitely in a different paradigm than myself.

So somehow the conversation began: "When did you hear 'the talk'?" With some trepidation and a little curiousity I waited to see where this would go. One by one these girls talked and laughed about how they learned everything from health class in public school, videos in high school, teen magazines and all-nighters, and well-intentioned, but embarrasing chats from mom. These chats from mom were always accompanied by a box of condoms "because you'll need these". One of the ladies, a mom of preteens, said "I tell my children everything, and I mean everything. I want them to hear it from me, and I want them to hear it early so that I can put my spin on it. I tell them not to tell others at school who may not be ready to hear about sex yet, but for my children...I want them to know details so they can make the right decisions."

Now, if I listen to the "experts in sexual education", these girls must be the most responsible and 'safe' girls around. And I, in contrast, must have been recklessly endangering myself on a regular basis at their age because I never really did get "the talk".

Still, the evidence points to the contrary. I am the one in the room having had only one partner, no diseases contracted, and 6 children all born in a healthy marriage relationship. These poor girls, in contrast, are constantly talking about this boyfriend and that, and whose going on a vacation (one with her boyfriend and one without because "you never know who you'll meet", and whose sister is pregnant at 18, and whose cousin is having an abortion, and whose baby will be nearly a year at her mother's wedding....

Don't get me wrong: I made plenty of mistakes growing up, and sinned in relationships too. But God has been gracious to keep me fairly innocent inspite of my foolishness. These girls, supposedly armed and educated by the best, are walking, if not running, headlong into dangerous, costly sin....and then bragging about it.

The Word implores us to be 'excellent at what is good, and innocent of evil'. These poor girls have been fed a lie, loudly and repeatedly, that random relationships are not evil, but rather, part of a strong sense of self and a right they should exercise.

Lord, have mercy on this and the coming generation. And give Your people the wisdom and the clarity to teach our children modesty, and rightly placed confidence, and a picture of Your beautiful plan for relationships.

What Happened on the Way to Sign Language Class (or: Why I'm Glad God's Timing Is Perfect)

Monday nights I drive to our local college for Sign Language Classes. I've been really enjoying the drive these last few weeks as I get to actually leave during the remaining day light, instead of the pitch blackness of deep winter.

Last night I left a few minutes earlier than usual. And I do mean minutes. Maybe even 45 seconds. But it made all the difference.

We live on a dead end street with 2 stop signs before you reach the main highway that goes through our small town. As I approached the first stop sign I saw a van driving towards me from the 2nd stop sign at a high rate of speed. So fast in fact, that when he reached the top of the hill at that 1st stop sign (right where I was coming to a nice full stop) he actually caught air. That's right: this GMC Safari actually had all four wheels off the ground. I watched in amazement through my rear view mirror as the vehicle landed, skidded and swerved, and, with some difficultly, came to a stop. They then turned around and drove back out to the highway where I saw them race though town, passing me in the process. As I followed them (at a distance now, because of their speed) I saw them enter the parking lot of our local Tim Hortons. I stopped at the Petro Can across the street and called 911 on the pay phone to report the reckless driving I witnessed. Whether or not the police were able to follow through on the call, I don't know. The van left TIm's before the Police arrived. And as I expected, they drove exceedingly fast towards the city down the highway, and disappeared into the darkening night.

What struck me is two things: 1st, how angry I was and indignant at the audacity of these young men, going for a joy ride in such a reckless way. 2nd, how thankful I am that I left just those few seconds earlier. Had I not, I would have been in the middle of the road as they were trying to gain control of their vehicle after their short flight. It would not have gone well for me, I'm sure. This led to a thought of "What if the neighbors were out on the road on their snowmobiles, like they sometimes do in the evening? What if the neighbor was walking her dog? What if my children were on the edge of the road playing in the piles of snow left by the snow plow?...."

And then I was even more angry. People often say "It only affects me, so who cares" about all kinds of behaviour: smoking, reckless driving, even homosexual relationships. Society is such a self-centered, individualist mess that there is no sensitivity or considerations of others. In a world where tolerance and acceptance are preached (meaning 'anything goes') all I see is an increasing lack of concern for how one's actions affect others. This boys thought they were having fun; they could have killed someone. Maybe they did. Maybe I'll find out that later that evening they were involved in a serious car accident. Who knows.

What I do know, is that I'm thankful for the Lord's timing and protection for me and my family last night. "The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever more." Psalm 121:8

Humbled, Again

My wee 4 year old princess came to me today and with great enthusiasm and affection said "I love you Mommy". I made the foolish decision to ask "Why do you love me, honey?" How thrilled I was with the first part of her answer: "Because you are smart, and you know things" then the sweet pause, then "Don't you?" Hmmmm. Do I?


It was like my life flashed before my eyes: Of course I know things. I make brilliant homemade soups and entrees, quite often with no recipe. I now know how to bake really healthy bread from scratch, and I've learned how to cast on and off in knitting. I used to be a University student, I am now studying Sign Language at a College Night course. I can fix nearly any boo-boo that comes our way, not to mention recite nearly every nursery rhyme ever penned. I have sonnets memorized by both John Donne and Shakespeare. I even took Calculus and Algebra in my last year of high school, and took French right into first year of University! Whew! Let me tell you, I know things.

Of course, the humbling quickly comes when I realize that seriously none of that matters one wit.

The Word says that "The foolishness of God is wiser than men" (1 Cor. 1:25) and that He "has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise" (1Cor. 1:27). So what do I care how un-knowing I am? What profit is it for me to have gained any wisdom, unless it furthers the Kingdom of Heaven and makes my Father Glorious?

My desire is that someday when my dear princess tells me she loves me, her reason why will be because I have led her closer to the foot of the cross. And hopefully that will be all I cling to as well.

Can It Really Be True?

Several years ago I managed to sneak away to a Ladies' Retreat with my church just weeks before my 4th child was to be born. The highlight of these retreats was a beautifully laid out half day of prayer. We were given a booklet full of scripture, aids to prayer, aids to confession, devotional thoughts, praise lyrics and the like to fill our 3 hours of solitude with the Lord. I looked forward to this part of the weekend more than the escape from daily life, more than the meals I didn't have to cook and the dishes I didn't have to clean. Just a time to really be with the Lord and to hear from Him and to get right with Him again.

I suppose it was the "getting right" part that I expected would take centre stage. I spent the first 2 hours of my time alone trying to find that "thing" I needed to confess: That one benchmark sin that I had been holding onto, or hadn't 'fully' confessed to date. I dredged up things from my past, I fine-tooth-combed my present issues, and then extrapolated to what sins might come up in the future. And still, I felt no satisfaction, no reconciliation, no real sense of having met with the Lord.

And then Isaiah. My eyes stumbled on a passage that I'm sure I had never seen before:
"I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgression for My own sake; And I will not remember your sins." Is. 43:25
What? Could this really be true? I mean I knew He forgave my sins, I figured He must overlook my sins, but to think He wouldn't remember my sins...entirely earth shaking. I always imagined standing before the Judgement Throne with Father looking at me and seeing - remembering - all my sins, but loving me anyway because Christ was there covering me. I never imagined He would actually 'not remember' them.

But I couldn't stop there. What about me? Is there a way, Lord, I begged, that I too could 'not remember' my sin? I was led to turn to Isaiah 53:4
"Fear Not, for you will not be put to shame; Neither feel humiliated, for you will not be disgraced; But you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more."
Yes! This is what I was longing for. I prayed and thanked the Lord for this revelation and asked that He would burn the truth into my heart so that I would not forget it.

As I returned home, my thoughts stayed with these insights, and as I meditated on these passages I found out even more beautiful aspects of these truths. The word 'remember' as used in the first passage I mentioned implies "Calling to mind, Looking at, or Considering" Ahh, release. Now I knew that when the memory of those sins came to haunt me I could in all honesty say "this is not from the Lord. I have confessed this, it is forgotten. He has wiped out my transgression and will not remember them or call them to mind." In fact He has turned His gaze from them and has stopped considering them as part of who I am.

All of this certainly gave me a deeper, more beautiful understanding of Isaiah 1:18
"Though your sins are as scarlet, they will be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, they will be like wool."
This is not just a painting over or a covering up. This is not just a glaze that can be scratched away or seen through. This is a new beginning with the past erased. Thank you Lord for such a gift. I pray You will enable me to walk in it daily.

I Should Know This By Now

At Church on Sunday, our Pastor gave a very helpful sermon. While I'll spare you all the details, I will share with you the two points to mull over. Here's the final two points to go home and mull over:

I need to love God more and more.
I need to care what people think about me less and less.
Sounds easy. Looks beautiful. Hard to master. The good part is is that apparently the two go hand in hand. The more you love God and live like you do, the more you will need to care less about what people think, because it could start to be unfavorable. Mind you, the less you care about what people think, the more inclined you'll be to just love God more and more.

Funny though, I'm pretty sure that I've been working through this for some time now. Particularly the 'caring less' part. As I mentioned in a previous blog (Christmas Story, Daily Truth) I am fairly driven by fear, particularly fear of man. So this lesson from this sermon is a bit of a trick for me.

Still, Lord, I believe You are calling me to it. I believe the life you are asking me to lead will cause (or is causing) many to think I'm a fool. Yet, with faith and eyes fixed on You help me to press ahead into Your will and Your ways. For only then will I be truly satisfied.