Thursday, January 31, 2008

It Should Be Raining Today

The sun is too happy and positive and optimistic to reflect my internal dialogue today.

Sure it is brutally cold and that certainly reflects my heart.

But that persistent sun is just too....perky.....too "everything is great"....

I'm not relating real well to that.

I know everything *is* fine. I know the Lord is in control, and I suppose the sun shining so briliiantly should remind me of that.

But for my 2 cents, it feels like a great big, black cloud, raining day. Not the "let's go for a walk in the drizzle and pretend we're in England" kind of rain either. The thundering, quick run to the car before you get drenched, I hope the stems don't snap on my tulips, can the drains in the street handle all this water kind of rain.

Of course I am lucid enough to realize that I am being entirely self-centred and that is why I am feeling so entirely flattened today. Not being in control of things, especially highly emotionally driven, dear to your heart things, often makes one cranky.

But I shouldn't be cranky. The One who is making that sun shine incessantly is also the one in control of this thing that I am holding on to for dear life. He is the same One who told Abraham "Take your son, your only son, the son that you love, and sacrifice him to me." He is saying the same thing to me. Except Abraham rose up and right away took that son and was ready to do the unthinkable. My precious thing to which I'm clinging is so small comparitively, and here I am wanting to see the ram in the thicket before I say "yes, Lord. You can have this."

I know all the right answers to all the questions I'm having, and yet the questions don't seem to really make any more sense, and the answers aren't giving a whole lot of comfort.

To say I'm over reacting would be an understatement. I get that. And so I need to remember something else the Creator and Director of that Sun said "Be still, cease striving, and know that I AM God."

I'm sorry Lord for this doubt and turmoil in my heart. It is not glorifying to you. I"m sorry for not just watching and waiting to see your will in this. I do believe. Help my unbelief.

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