I have a lovely friend. Actually, I have several, but right now I am thinking of one in particular. I don't want to embarrass her by naming her here, but I do want to share something wise she once said (and it wasn't the only wise thing she said. She is rather remarkable that way). And if someone picks up on who she is by my vague and general descriptions, well, so be it.
This friend was giving a bit of her testimony at church when she said the line that has made me think for a long time. She said, "I often worried that when I was done all this that there would be nothing left of me. Maybe this is all I am."
She was referring to her being a hepthathelete and then retiring from competing.(Don't worry: I have lots of friends who have competed in the Olympics...I'm sure no one has any clue of whom I'm speaking.) She wondered if all she was, who she was, was that girl who competed. (I do hope I am not entirely twisting her meaning: it has been almost two years since she spoke to us.)
Funny that: Haven't you had the same wonder? Is this all I am? Who am I in the first place? Am I only a homeschooling mom of 7? And if so, what happens when they all move out? Do I just fade away into nothingness? Do I become that dear old, godly, praying woman that people have thought was "really old" for decades but still hasn't died?
I simply love being home with my kids. It is my first and only choice. Don't get me wrong: I am not wishing for a way out. This is a highly fulfilling position, paid or not!
These questions aren't coming out of discontent, I don't believe. I wonder if there is the ability to be fulfilled in more than one arena. I am wondering about what else there is to me, to us. How else does the Lord intend to use me through my family? Evangelism in our house can simply mean leaving the house, or going to Wal-Mart (heaven forbid) and having someone notice "something different" about us.
Plus the Lord has been gracious to allow me to serve in our church in a musical way. I am thrilled to do that as well.
I just want to know I'm not missing something. I don't want to merely survive these years and then "really serve the Lord" when my husband retires. And I also don't want my kids to think that being a mom is years and years of hard work and drudgery and then sometime when your kids are grown up and fully self-supporting you can get on to real life.
This is real life. I love this life. What I want to know is, when Christ said he wanted to give us live to the full, life abundant, what does that look like? Am I making the most of my days? Am I being a wise steward of my time and abilities?
Fuel for thought anyway, even if it does end with more questions than answers.