In 1996, my biggest fear, one that kept me up at night, was that someone from my B.C. (before Chris) days would come to my wedding, walk right down the aisle, interrupt Pastor Mike and say, "Do you have any idea who she is? Do you know what she has done? You let her lead worship here? You let her work with the Youth? Are you crazy?" and then they would proceed to itemize all my failures and sins as one by one all those I'd invited to the wedding shook their heads and left the room, wondering how they ever thought they could trust me and like me.
Fast forward to now. I haven't changed. Except I have no wedding to be ruined. What I fear now is coming together with the Lord, and, in those moments of intimacy, the accusations of my enemy regarding my past and present attitudes and actions finally being enough that He walks away from me, shaking His head and rolling His eyes wondering how He has tolerated me for so long.
This holds me back from being a sold-out, continuously outpouring, unceasing worshipper of the Lord. If I get that close to Him, then He'll see me for real.
What a lie! The maker of the Universe not only sees and knows, but He made me and keeps me. Not only will He hold me and "tolerate" me, He chose me. He gave His Son for me, how would I expect Him to reject me now.
The line in this song that gets me everytime is the call to stop pretending that I can deserve what I already have. He isn't expecting me to earn it or deserve it. It is a gift. And that gift is there for me, for you. The call is to pick it up, open it, and then use it for goodness sake.
BarlowGirl - I Need You to Love Me
Why? Why are You still here with me?
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
Yeah, but it's here I see the truth,
I don't deserve You.
But I need You to love me,
And I, I won't keep my heart from You this time.
And I'll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me
I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me.
I just never saw how You
could cherish me.
Cause You're a God who has all things,
and still You want me.
And I need You to love me,
And I, I won't keep my heart from You this time.
And I'll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been, oh-oh.
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1 comment:
your love of music shows a true heart of worship....your knowledge of various musicians reminds me of my sister. She really made music her 'niche.' I DO like music but alot of times I would rather turn it off and listen to a babbling brook or the waves or silence. I guess that could be called a form of music as well n'est ce pas?
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