It Should Be Raining Today

The sun is too happy and positive and optimistic to reflect my internal dialogue today.

Sure it is brutally cold and that certainly reflects my heart.

But that persistent sun is just too....perky.....too "everything is great"....

I'm not relating real well to that.

I know everything *is* fine. I know the Lord is in control, and I suppose the sun shining so briliiantly should remind me of that.

But for my 2 cents, it feels like a great big, black cloud, raining day. Not the "let's go for a walk in the drizzle and pretend we're in England" kind of rain either. The thundering, quick run to the car before you get drenched, I hope the stems don't snap on my tulips, can the drains in the street handle all this water kind of rain.

Of course I am lucid enough to realize that I am being entirely self-centred and that is why I am feeling so entirely flattened today. Not being in control of things, especially highly emotionally driven, dear to your heart things, often makes one cranky.

But I shouldn't be cranky. The One who is making that sun shine incessantly is also the one in control of this thing that I am holding on to for dear life. He is the same One who told Abraham "Take your son, your only son, the son that you love, and sacrifice him to me." He is saying the same thing to me. Except Abraham rose up and right away took that son and was ready to do the unthinkable. My precious thing to which I'm clinging is so small comparitively, and here I am wanting to see the ram in the thicket before I say "yes, Lord. You can have this."

I know all the right answers to all the questions I'm having, and yet the questions don't seem to really make any more sense, and the answers aren't giving a whole lot of comfort.

To say I'm over reacting would be an understatement. I get that. And so I need to remember something else the Creator and Director of that Sun said "Be still, cease striving, and know that I AM God."

I'm sorry Lord for this doubt and turmoil in my heart. It is not glorifying to you. I"m sorry for not just watching and waiting to see your will in this. I do believe. Help my unbelief.

The Problem with Foccacia

it is divine when eaten fresh with bit of butter

it is divine when eaten slightly toasted with butter

it is divine when ripped off and dipped in vinagrette

it is divine when made in to a panini sandwich.....

so what to do? I just feel paralyzed by enormity of this decision....

maybe I'll just have to do all 4 over the course of the day (can you say "carb-a-holic"?)

Homeschooling with a New Baby

As the final 4 weeks until baby #7 arrives, I am reconsidering my original plan for this homeschool year. The original plan allowed for a full month off after baby came as sort of an "extended March Break". But as the time is getting nearer, I'm realizing this is a bad idea for a few reasons.
1) The original plan of no school for a month worked only so far as we actually did complete every expectation on every day of the school year leading up to our Baby Break....this has not exactly happened.

2) When given total free reign for a length of time, children tend to go squirrely (at least I believe so). So a bit of structure to the time would be great.

3) If we don't have something planned to do we are all going to just sit and stare at the gorgeous new baby, and as indulgently wonderful as that sounds, I'm sure we can use our time a bit wiser.


So, here is what I am thinking we will look at over the 4 weeks following the birth. If any of you have recently done this "schooling with a new born" thing, I'd love to hear how you made it work.


The criteria for "what we will do" is this: things that are mostly independent learning on the children's part; things that I can help with while laying on the couch drinking tea; things that will be fun and feel like a 'break' from the normal routine; things that we want to squeeze into a regular school year but never find time; things that will not create more work/mess/stress/trips out of the house/expense than we will already have; and finally things that others can step in and do with/for me.


I will have the older girls continue on in their Math and English workbooks one lesson a day as that is something they can complete almost independently.


The plan is to do "Color the Classics: Hymn Writers" in a condensed schedule. Instead of doing one hymn writer for weeks at a time we'll do days at a time.


I'm hoping to find some great Canadian Biographies that are at the girls' levels so they can read somewhat independently to continue the learning they've been doing in their Canada Studies this month, and to prepare them for the Prime Ministers Lapbook I want them to do in the Spring.


I haven't asked Kristina yet, but maybe in here somewhere would be a good time for us to do the units we were thinking of working on together with her boys and my girls. We have an artist lapbook and a science unit that we could do with a bunch of the kids (read: she could do while I lay on the couch and drink tea!)


I was partly thinking of doing a Valentine's Day Lapbook, but that might take more effort than I am willing to put out (not to mention glue and little bits of paper to cut and clean up.....)


And after looking at Knowledge Quest's Globalmania I'm thinking I might get the children to play some Geography games on the computer using Seterra to reinforce the Canada lessons.



I'm hoping my husband will be able to take some/all of the kids skating a day or two when he has sometime off.



And of course there is Grandma, and Oma, and Aunt Sue who I am hoping will have a day here or there to do those baking/sewing/quilting/crafting things with the kids that I can't do while laying on the couch and drinking tea.


Finally I do hope to have lots of time for the bunch of us to just sit around and stare at the beautiful new baby. We can call it science and bible and health class if we need to justify it as we marvel at God's creation, and His goodness, and the mystery of the whole thing. Otherwise, we'll just call it REALLY good.

She Went All Out! (Or: I wish I could be that brave)

So I'm sure that all my adoring readers will recall my last post on wanting to be the kind of girl who gives 110% regardless of how 'foolish' I think I'll look. Now I have an example to point to as an object lesson. (however, in revealing this example I'm going to also reveal that I am entirely shallow and wasted an hour of my time last night)





Who will admit that they watched "So You Think You Can Dance?" last night...... show of hands? ..... anyone?.....





Okay, so maybe I'm alone in this. We do not have cable but our antenna picks up enough US stations that I caught this talent competition last night. It was the last couple of the evening that showed me exactly the kind of moxy I want to display in my areas of skill.





As it goes, the last couple to dance went to rehearsal yesterday morning and the girl partner passed out or something and the doctors wouldn't let her dance last night. However, the male partner had clearly practiced all week too and deserved the opportunity to dance for his votes to stay in the competition. The producers of the show said that he could perform with the choreographers assistant who had helped coach these two contestants all week.





Oh sure, I thought. He gets the thrill of dancing with a professional, fabulous, dancer. I'm imagining a long legged, drop dead gorgeous, pro to come out and make him look good no matter how practiced he was or wasn't...... I couldn't have been more wrong.





I wish I had have paid closer attention to what her name was because I would love to give her credit here for being my new short term role model. This choreographers assistant was shortish, pudgy-ish, and just kind of plain. Instead of wearing some brilliant, revealing costume, she wore a simple swingy skirt with what looked like a nice t-shirt kind of thing....and of course a great pair of heels.





I catch my breath and think, "oh you poor thing. You are going to look ridiculous. No one will take you seriously....I hope you don't make a fool of yourself". But then the music started! And she DANCED!!!





Now, she is clearly not going to win the next international ball room dance competition. She definitely falls more in to the "those who can't, teach" realm of excellence. But did she ever kick some serious butt! She had all the steps, she had all attitude, she had all the moxy, all the sex appeal, all the everything she needed to really go for it. She even let the guy pick her up and flip her over his back somehow.





I had judged her in the way I judge myself and expect others to judge me, and boy was I wrong. I very much underestimated her skill and her committment to the task. I was humbled and encouraged, and challenged. With only a few hours of notice she came out and gave it her all, and no one looked at her like she was a fool, and if they did, shame on them because she was amazing.





So here I am still wanting that kind of drive to really really do the things I know I can do. And wanting my kids to get there too. Years ago my husband and I were taking some of our youth group out to play pool for a couple of hours and before we picked up one girl her father, our pastor, said to her "Remember, boys don't like girls who don't try." She was convinced that she wasn't athletic and that she was going to stink at pool. Her dad wisely reminded her it was better to try and goof up slightly than to stand in the corner saying "I don't know how."





Any day now, I expect that will sink in to my brain. I've only being mulling it over for 9 years now....

Resolved:

If I could supernaturally impart some character trait on my children RIGHT NOW it would be to always give their 110% without worrying about looking like a turd so that they can look back without regretting doing a half-hearted job.





Now I'm not saying I want them to go out and make fools of themselves attempting things that God has not gifted them for, but in areas where they are seeing some fruit or have been confirmed in their talents, I want them to go all out and give it all with out shame.





This little rant is coming after my just having watched the highschool musical version of Narnia that I was in 15 years ago. I was Mr. Tumnus and I did a fine job. I could have done a really really good job. And at the time I knew it. I was holding back out of fear of 'trying to hard' and looking like a fool.



Fast forward 2 years. I'm in second year university and my brilliant pastor has written a brilliant musical for the church family. I was in the chorus, and an understudy for a lead role, and I gave about 75% because I was new to the church and I was afraid that someone would look at this young 18 year old and say "who does she think she is coming in all diva like that?"





You can repeat this scenario two more times because said brilliant pastor wrote two more brilliant plays that I was in, and each time I watch them I can see and hear myself holding back. Intentionally. This wasn't fear of screwing up. This was fear of going all out and being mocked for that.





It's like the time our cell group was playing soccer baseball (where the pitcher rolls a big ball to the batter who kicks it and then runs the bases) and I was tired of always being the unathletic girl. So I decided that I was going to bunt the ball and then run like the dickens to get to first base. You know really give 100% and who cares if I'm out of breath when I get there JUST GET THERE and then you can recover because at least you won't get embarrased by being out JUST RUN and block everything out.....





And I did get to first base with out being tagged. Except the whole time I was pep talking myself while I was running, the rest of the cell group was trying to get my attention to say it was a foul ball and I was running (retardedly hard) for no good reason, only to have to go up to the stupid batter's box and do it again without looking like a turd. You know, doing the "oh yeah. I knew it was foul, I meant to do that stupid run like the wind routine. I was just warming up."





Swell.





So, I've decided this:



Wheras I am skilled and gifted by God in certain areas; and wheras God is most glorified when I serve Him fully; therefore: be it resolved an enacted that I shall give my all each time I am asked to do somethng and I will care only what the Lord says.



Also: whereas I have not been skilled or gifted by God in certain areas; and wheras other really have been; therefore: be it resolved and enacted that I shall humbly and gladly step aside to let others perform to the glory of God where I am woefully unable.



Sounds like a plan.

It's All About me

Oh I know, you are reading the title of this post and thinking "how self-centered", but you wait and see. I'm right about this one (kind of).





How many times have you heard someone say (or maybe said yourself) "the corporate worship in such-and-such church is so unfilling / dead / unheartfelt / dry."?...and because of that 'corporate experience' your personal experience suffers. Or, to the opposite, have you ever felt the joy and sincerity in a body of believers and had your personal experience improve because of it?





Well, it isn't about the building, the number of people in the building, the kind of songs they did, the amount of sunshine on that given Sunday, or any number of other variables like that. It is all about me (and you and the guy beside you and the other how many individuals in the room).





We all need to understand that the 'quality' of corporate worship (I use that word 'quality with much reservation, because it sounds more shallow than I intend it) depends on the genuineness and sincerity of the individuals. The corporate experience is the sum of the personal worship experiences (now that is some pretty basic math right?)





So if worship really is about a heart connection between me and the Lord that can happen any where, any time, then the Sunday morning Corporate experience for me should just be an extension of what I've been doing all week. If it is 'good' or 'fulfilling' than I would expect it is because my heart is connected to the Lord regardless of what is going on around me. If it is 'bad' or 'disappointing' then chances are I've been far from the Lord all week and am now too easily distracted by what is going on around me.



Can the corporate influence or enhance the personal? Certainly. The body is there for the edification of all its parts. However, my walk with the Lord starts with just Him and me. My walk will end someday with just Him and me. I would expect that on Sunday mornings my worship needs to be primarily about Him and me (with all those around me doing the same which adds up to a REAALY Great thing.)



If you want to talk more about worship visit www.wonderfulpages.com to follow the conversation they are sponsoring about worship. (their posts may make a bit more sense!)

My Breath Prayer

I read a brilliant book called Prayer: Finding the Heart's True Home by Richard Foster. Actually I've read it several times now and each time I am drawn by his conversation on the simple complexity of prayer.



One of my favourite suggestions he makes is to select a breath prayer for yourself that you offer up many times a day. Something that is on your heart that can be said in one breath, so to speak. How often do I intend to pray "if only I had more time". This gives me the ability to pray without ceasing on one matter that will greatly impact my day, and my heart (oh, I wish you would go and read the book. I'm making this sound an awful lot like a chore...he is much more inviting about this...)





So here is my breath prayer (it is actually more like two breaths worth, but close enough). It is Psalm 19:14.



Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Thy sight, O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.





There is never a time when I don't need to keep that prayer on my lips. There is never a time when my speech is so pure and pleasing that I can stop worrying about being acceptable. I will be saying this silently, under my breath, out loud with a cry, and hopefully with my children on many occassions today.



"Commenting on breath prayers, Theophane the Recluse notes, 'Thoughts continue to jostle in your head like mosquitoes. To stop this jostling you must bind the mind with one thought, or the thought of One only. An aid to this is a short prayer, which helps the mind to become simple and unified." (pg. 130 Prayer: Finding the Heart's True Home)



In the meantime, you really should find this book. It is such an "open window after a fresh rain" kind of feeling.

Truth

This won't likely be the most pretty post in the Carnival of Beauty this week, but it will be about Truth as it is supposed to be. (please do follow that link and read the other participants of this weeks carnival.) Sometimes the truth of a situation is not pretty, but the Lord's truth comes shining through in His beauty at the right time. That is what this post will look like. Ready?





After baby #3 and baby #4, I struggled with what I'm guessing is Post-Partum depression. I say I'm guessing because I didn't actually go to the doctor to find out if that's what it was or not. Truthfully, I had previously thought it was a joke, the whole PPD thing. Seriously, maybe you are tired, maybe you are grumpy, maybe you just want some attention, but honestly? SNAP OUT OF IT!





Except then I felt that way too. And I realized my arrogance and rudeness and judgemental attitude that I'd held for all those years. So now, as I was feeling like a loser for having been so wrong in the past, now I also felt like jumping off my roof onto a concrete pad, hoping that it would be a far enough jump that I could just wake up in Heaven.





I remember calling my friend and after hearing her "hello" I said "Remind me again why I should want to still be alive?"





I never had one dangerous thought towards my children, for which I praise the Lord. Quite the opposite. I figured if they were done with me they, and my husband, could move on to a better mom, better wife, better life. (see I told you this might get ugly).





And still, as I laid in bed every morning, so dismayed that I had actually woken up again, I knew I couldn't just stay there even though my limbs were like cement. There were 4 children who needed me. If I didn't get up they would not eat. They would sit in their soiled diapers in their cribs all day crying out for a mother who was failing them. I could not let that happen. I had a choice to make. Dragging my self through the day with tears and prayers, I did what I could to do the bare minimums. There was no joy in my soul. I loved my children, I loved my husband, I loved worshipping my Lord, and yet it was all hollow. There was no 'getting myself out' of the pit. I needed Someone's help.





For me the help came in the form of the Word of the Lord. I was believing lies: I was a failure. I couldn't do it all. No one understood. My guilt was too great. My life was too hard. I would never feel joy again.





Turning to the Word for TRUTH, beautiful life giving truth, I found words of encouragement and promise that I wrote out in my Bible to read and re-read every day. Without these I would sink. With them, by the Lord's strength I could slowly stand.





It took time, it took a deliberate choice on my part, and it took the Beauty of the Truth of the Word to pull me out. God is good. I have not found myself there again, by His mercy. And I still stand on these words of promise (this is a long list so get ready!)





(Mat 5:4)

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.



(Mat 11:28)

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.

"For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."



Psa 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

2Co 4:8 we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing;

persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;



Psa 28:7 The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, And with my song I shall thank Him.



Psa 43:5 Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why are you disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.



Psa 16:10 For You will not abandon my soul to Sheol; Nor will You allow Your Holy One to undergo decay.

You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.



Rom 11:1 I say then, God has not rejected His people, has He? May it never be! For I too am an Israelite, a descendant of Abraham, of the tribe of Benjamin.

God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. Or do you not know what the Scripture says in the passage about Elijah, how he pleads with God against Israel?



Jer 31:13 "Then the virgin will rejoice in the dance, And the young men and the old, together, For I will turn their mourning into joy And will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow.



Psa 139:11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,"

Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.



Joh 14:1 "Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me.



Job 17:7 "My eye has also grown dim because of grief, And all my members are as a shadow.

Job 17:9 "Nevertheless the righteous will hold to his way, And he who has clean hands will grow stronger and stronger.



Psa 30:2 O LORD my God, I cried to You for help, and You healed me.

O LORD, You have brought up my soul from Sheol; You have kept me alive, that I would not go down to the pit.

Sing praise to the LORD, you His godly ones, And give thanks to His holy name.




There were other verses that He used to speak the truth of His love for me, but space would dictate that I don't include them all. The Beauty of Truth is that EVERY TIME it combats the lies that live in our minds. Thank You Lord for that.

I'm Gonna sing this like I mean it (and then hopefully I really will)

It has kind of been "one of those weeks" in the "how are you doing?" department. I refuse to cave in (permanently) to that yucko blah feeling. So here goes my attempt to change my path: (sing along if you know the tune).




I can see clearly now the rain is gone.

I can see all obstacles in my way.

Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind

It's gonna be a bright, bright, sun-shiny day.








I think I can make it now the pain is gone.

All of my bad feelings have disappeared.

Here is that rainbow I've been praying for.

It's gonna be a bright, bright, sun-shiny day.









Look all around there's nothin' but blue skies

Look straight ahead, nothin' but blue skies.










I can see clearly now the rain has gone.

I can see all obstacles in my way.

Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind

It's gonna be a bright, bright sun-shiny day.

Heard at My House (or: Spelling the Homeschooling Way)

Daughter #3 (age 1 week less than 6): Hey mom, I know how to spell "hello".



Mommy (rather surprised): You do?



Daughter #3 : yup! dot-seven-seven-three-four



Mommy: Close enough for now.

(did I mention she was holding a calculator upside down when she said this?)