This won't likely be the most pretty post in the Carnival of Beauty this week, but it will be about Truth as it is supposed to be. (please do follow that link and read the other participants of this weeks carnival.) Sometimes the truth of a situation is not pretty, but the Lord's truth comes shining through in His beauty at the right time. That is what this post will look like. Ready?
After baby #3 and baby #4, I struggled with what I'm guessing is Post-Partum depression. I say I'm guessing because I didn't actually go to the doctor to find out if that's what it was or not. Truthfully, I had previously thought it was a joke, the whole PPD thing. Seriously, maybe you are tired, maybe you are grumpy, maybe you just want some attention, but honestly? SNAP OUT OF IT!
Except then I felt that way too. And I realized my arrogance and rudeness and judgemental attitude that I'd held for all those years. So now, as I was feeling like a loser for having been so wrong in the past, now I also felt like jumping off my roof onto a concrete pad, hoping that it would be a far enough jump that I could just wake up in Heaven.
I remember calling my friend and after hearing her "hello" I said "Remind me again why I should want to still be alive?"
I never had one dangerous thought towards my children, for which I praise the Lord. Quite the opposite. I figured if they were done with me they, and my husband, could move on to a better mom, better wife, better life. (see I told you this might get ugly).
And still, as I laid in bed every morning, so dismayed that I had actually woken up again, I knew I couldn't just stay there even though my limbs were like cement. There were 4 children who needed me. If I didn't get up they would not eat. They would sit in their soiled diapers in their cribs all day crying out for a mother who was failing them. I could not let that happen. I had a choice to make. Dragging my self through the day with tears and prayers, I did what I could to do the bare minimums. There was no joy in my soul. I loved my children, I loved my husband, I loved worshipping my Lord, and yet it was all hollow. There was no 'getting myself out' of the pit. I needed Someone's help.
For me the help came in the form of the Word of the Lord. I was believing lies: I was a failure. I couldn't do it all. No one understood. My guilt was too great. My life was too hard. I would never feel joy again.
Turning to the Word for TRUTH, beautiful life giving truth, I found words of encouragement and promise that I wrote out in my Bible to read and re-read every day. Without these I would sink. With them, by the Lord's strength I could slowly stand.
It took time, it took a deliberate choice on my part, and it took the Beauty of the Truth of the Word to pull me out. God is good. I have not found myself there again, by His mercy. And I still stand on these words of promise (this is a long list so get ready!)
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.
Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.
"For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
Psa 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
2Co 4:8 we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing;
persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;
Psa 28:7 The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, And with my song I shall thank Him.
Psa 43:5 Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why are you disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.
Psa 16:10 For You will not abandon my soul to Sheol; Nor will You allow Your Holy One to undergo decay.
You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.
Rom 11:1 I say then, God has not rejected His people, has He? May it never be! For I too am an Israelite, a descendant of Abraham, of the tribe of Benjamin.
God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. Or do you not know what the Scripture says in the passage about Elijah, how he pleads with God against Israel?
Jer 31:13 "Then the virgin will rejoice in the dance, And the young men and the old, together, For I will turn their mourning into joy And will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow.
Psa 139:11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,"
Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.
Joh 14:1 "Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me.
Job 17:7 "My eye has also grown dim because of grief, And all my members are as a shadow.
Job 17:9 "Nevertheless the righteous will hold to his way, And he who has clean hands will grow stronger and stronger.
Psa 30:2 O LORD my God, I cried to You for help, and You healed me.
O LORD, You have brought up my soul from Sheol; You have kept me alive, that I would not go down to the pit.
Sing praise to the LORD, you His godly ones, And give thanks to His holy name.
There were other verses that He used to speak the truth of His love for me, but space would dictate that I don't include them all. The Beauty of Truth is that EVERY TIME it combats the lies that live in our minds. Thank You Lord for that.