Wednesday, April 9, 2008

True Confessions

Some time ago while our family was attending a different church, which shall remain nameless, a lady stood up at the women's prayer meeting I was at and asked for prayer regarding her struggles with food. She was a heavy lady who had battled her whole life with dieting and bingeing and berating herself. Constantly obsessed with food and losing weight, she had made her diet her god. She asked for prayer, and then said, "I'm sure I'm not alone. If there are others who struggle with food addictions, please come for prayer with me."

So, humbled, I too stood up, walked to the front with everybody watching, and confessed that I too am addicted to food, and obsessed with it and would like prayer for it. Or I would have said that, if the lady who had invited us up hadn't turned to me and said "Oh you don't have a problem. Sit down you skinny brat."
Well, if that doesn't just put a foul taste in a girls mouth.

What I tried to convince her after she removed her foot from her mouth was that just because one doesn't look overly fat, one can still be obsessed with food. Even if all you eat is healthy, low cal, whole foods you can still be addicted. Even if you are exercising and losing weight, even if you are a size 4 you can still be obsessed and struggling in this area.

She didn't get it.

All she wanted was to be not heavy and figured that would take her mind off of it and make her forget her god of appetite.

She was wrong.

Today I started The Lord's Table, (thanks Kate and Kristina) an online bible study to set you free from food addictions and obsessions. I know I am not fat per se. I also know I am 40 pounds heavier than I'd like to be. I also know I've had 7 kids in 9 years and could give myself a bit of a break. I also know that my family eats really healthfully.

I also know that I just got off the phone with my girlfriend who is one step closer to moving to PNG for 2 years and as soon as I hung up I ate a small bowl of leftover noodles, a chocolate Twinkie (left here by my mom who knows how long ago) and two spoonfuls of PB and maple syrup.

That, my friends, is called comforting oneself with food, rather than "taking it to the Lord in prayer". Otherwise known as "a food god."

When we lived in California a million years ago, I weighed a wee little 120. Praise the Lord. I still was constantly thinking about eating and losing weight. I still snuck my car into Taco Bell hoping that no one I knew would see me there. Afterall, I was a vegan don't you know. (although you'd be hard pressed to find any real meat or cheese at taco bell...)

And now I sneak food (albeit sometimes very healthy) when I'm alone or when I'm sad, happy, tired, angry, ticked of at my laziness, disgusted by my sin, surprised by my victories, rejoicing, mourning.....

you get the picture?

That is a "food god". And it is time for him to go.

How pathetic that it is taking me so long to get here. How pathetic that even as I'm writing this I know I need to stop sneaking food and I'm getting anxious about it. How pathetic that already there is this nagging voice in the back of my head saying "you don't really think it will be different this time do you?"

aaaarrrrrgh! so frustrating.

So there you have it. Was that more information than you wanted? No one likes these kinds of posts, and no one knows how to comment on them. I was just struck by my wholehearted committment at 8am when I did my study and then my complete failure at 3pm when I talked with Kristina.

so much for that. I thought maybe if I yelled at myself via blog I'd have a wake up call and focus a bit better tomorrow. I'll let you know, whether you like it or not.

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