Friday, April 4, 2008

I Really Do Want to Post Deeply Today

But did I mention that I'm a homeschool mom with a new born? Yup. Time for blogging is fleeting these days.

However, for those of you who want to know me better, and who want to read their bible more, here is a little scavenger hunt for you. If you don't fall into either of these categories, feel free to stop reading now and come back another day :-)

In my quiet time the other day, I had a bit of an "aha" moment that has become fuel for meditation this week. I read Psalm 2, and I realized that I feel like the Lord deals with me like vss. 4-5 and 10-12 describe, and not at all like Isaiah 42:3 (which I also read that day, which happens to be one of my most favourite verses of all times).

Clearly I have some issues. I began praying for a picture or a verse to explain to me how the Lord really does view me, and what character trait of the Lord I need to focus on and start believing. The verse I need to have burned on my heart and mind is Luke15:20. I just don't get that. I want to get that. I believe it for others. I have not grasped it in my life. (Boy I hope you have your Bible open reading along so you are piecing this together with me.)

This Easter and the days surrounding it I have realized how I have been despising (by which I mean "de-valuing", as Mike taught one year) Christ's sacrifice on the cross. I have this warped perception that Christ's death was adequate payment for everyone's sin but mine. And so the Father has to exercise additional punishment in my life to make up for it. As if Christ's death on the cross was enough to buy my salvation, but not enough to make me fully righteous in God's eyes. Can anyone say "legalism"?

So, as I focused on the cross over Easter, and now continue to meditate on verses like Isaiah 49:15 I am cut to the quick by my arrogance and self centeredness that somehow, I'm too big of a problem for the Lord to solve. My focus has become so much 'me' and nowhere near enough on His greatness, His goodness, His all-sufficiency, His loving-ness.

I know He is just. Clearly the struggle for me is to truly "get" that as the catechism says, "Christ satisfied divine justice". In the words of my once 2 year old daughter "All done, Funny Guy". It is ALL Done. When He said "It is finished" He didn't have a parenthesy saying (except for Barbara because whoa is that girl messed up).

Because of previous relationships with people in my life I have a "not good enough" complex in a ton of areas (yes, I realize that is still self-centeredness). What I need to realize is that in this one area it is a given that I'll never be good enough and that's okay because Christ is signifcantly more than good enough. When God the Father, my judge looks at me on the last day, He will see me covered with the garment of Righteousness that Christ has bought for me and adorned me with. That's all that matters. That's where my focus and gratitude and energies need to rest.

I'm so sorry Lord that I'm such a slow learner. Help me to keep my eyes on You and off of me. I really want to get this.

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