Setting: Driving to a Family gathering. Listening to "Rushing Wind" on the iPod.
4yo son: Mommy, is that Keith Green?
Me: Yes it is.
4yo son: Is he dead?
Me: Yes he is.
4yo son: Then how is he singing?
Monday, March 24, 2008
For What Am I Made?
"Dr." Johnston, a friend of mine, has been making my head hurt lately with his posts. He keeps posting about an ongoing conversation I'm having in my head about knowing who/what God created you to be and then being/doing it. (how kind of him to link to me in those posts. I'm sure my readership has doubled. Hello all 4 of you!)
Knowing what you were made to do. Sounds simple right?
I'm finding it not so much. Clearly there are areas that I am called to serve in in this phase of my life. I have a husband. Therefore I obviously am called to be a wife. I have 7 children. Therefore I am obviously called to be a mother. I live in a home. Therefore I am obviously called to keep it. But then what? Is that all?
The running joke is that I'm good at two things: having babies and singing. Does that mean then that I ought to keep having babies since the conception, carrying, labouring, delivering and nursing typically goes extremely simply for me? Just because it is "easy" and I do it well, am I to take that as an indicator that I ought to keep on having children? But lots of people can easily have children. Some have many. Some have few. Many do it really well. Others not so much. Is that a "gifting" from the Lord, or just a natural thing, just a blessing that he puts on a family that I get to enjoy? Is it a "talent" to manage or a talent to use?
And then singing. I love to do it. People say I do it well. My pastor told me 8 years ago after our church led the service at "Church in the Park" where I helped lead worship "Well, Barbara. It looks as though we've found your niche." But as a stay at home mom, do I persue that? Do I initiate something or wait to be called up? How do I fit the training and practice time necessary to further this 'gift', if that's what it is, when I'm up to my neck in laundry and diapers? And there are many ladies in our church who can sing and lead. How am I to know if I am actually made for this, or if it is just a nice thing I can do to contribute?
Which leads me to what I am struggling with most lately. My husband has already given me his answer, which was reassuring, but didn't take the question away; Could it be possible, that, as a wife and mother, my only real calling is to ensure that my husband has the opportunity and time and support to persue and further HIS calling? Maybe my calling is only to be "the best supporting actress"? Maybe all I ought to be doing is taking such good and thorough care of him and the home and the children that he is in a place where he is set up to shine in the roles that God has called him to do. That doesn't seem far fetched to me. Maybe the other things I do well at outside of the domestic duties are just a result of common grace. Maybe the singing is not a gift or a calling, but rather just a pleasant side effect of how the Lord designed the human body and the vocal chords. (I'm assuming you can guess my husband's take on this. He is not seeing my only calling as being his flag waver and biggest fan. He believes the Lord has other arenas for me to serve Him outside of the home as well. I would love to agree with him wholeheartedly, but I just wonder....)
I am not done here. I have more questions and more issues to discuss. There are things I've been reading lately that I will bring up in Part Two. But for now, I do hope that some of you wiser folks, and some of you mechanics, might have an insight or two.
Post A Comment!
• Monday, March 24, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by "Dr" J (halfpint's hubby) (69.157.46.27)Disclaimers… Firstly, by adding more of my thoughts to this discussion, I am in no way claiming to be “wise,” and secondly, I am not a doctor… I recently preached to a wonderful congregation in Kingston; the experience was incredibly refreshing. I had taken a year long hiatus from preaching and the Lord opened this door to preach again. When I got back, I was ecstatic. I said to a friend of mine, “What am I doing teaching high school English? I ought to be preaching.” He replied, “How can you expect God to place you in pastoral ministry if you are not exercising your gifts in your own local church.” True enough. My own congregation is in need of pulpit supply, and I wasn’t “stepping up.” The reason for the hiatus was that I was tired of itinerant preaching. God opened the door, however, and I am slated to preach a “series” of sermons in April and May at my church. The question I pose, then, is this: “What gifts CAN you use right now but are NOT using?” Considering where you are now, at home, with seven beautiful children, what are you able to do? If you are able to do something, but are not doing it, then you need to start. Going on a singing tour might not be an option right now, unless you decide to take the kids (for example, the von Trapps… by the way, the real Maria went on to have three more children of her own with the Captain…). We need to be faithful with the supposed “little” things God gives us to do. Not that you are doing “little” things anyway, right now. Raising children is this day and age is a colossal challenge and an incredible responsibility. As parents, we are investing in the lives of the next generation of Christians. However, this ministry is also inglorious, commonplace and mundane. Humdrum. I suppose I could say we need to be faithful with the supposedly “ordinary” things God gives us to do. Remember Susanna Wesley, mother of Charles and John Wesley (and 17 other children)? She would sit down in her kitchen and pull her apron up over her head top spend time in prayer. She is quoted to have prayed, “Help me, Lord, to remember that religion is not to be confined to the church... nor exercised only in prayer and meditation, but that every where I am in Thy Presence.” As a praying and faithful mother, what an incredible ministry she was to the church of Jesus Christ. You and I need to fight the urge of our generational “zeitgeist”, the urge to be self-absorbed. We cannot say things like, “When can I start living my own life?” This is the battle cry of the 30-something generation. Christians of this generation might say, “When can I start using MY gifts…” or “When can I do something meaningful with MY life.” This seems all well and good, but I think we echo our “individualistic” generation too much when we think this way. The Christian way is sacrifice.
Knowing what you were made to do. Sounds simple right?
I'm finding it not so much. Clearly there are areas that I am called to serve in in this phase of my life. I have a husband. Therefore I obviously am called to be a wife. I have 7 children. Therefore I am obviously called to be a mother. I live in a home. Therefore I am obviously called to keep it. But then what? Is that all?
The running joke is that I'm good at two things: having babies and singing. Does that mean then that I ought to keep having babies since the conception, carrying, labouring, delivering and nursing typically goes extremely simply for me? Just because it is "easy" and I do it well, am I to take that as an indicator that I ought to keep on having children? But lots of people can easily have children. Some have many. Some have few. Many do it really well. Others not so much. Is that a "gifting" from the Lord, or just a natural thing, just a blessing that he puts on a family that I get to enjoy? Is it a "talent" to manage or a talent to use?
And then singing. I love to do it. People say I do it well. My pastor told me 8 years ago after our church led the service at "Church in the Park" where I helped lead worship "Well, Barbara. It looks as though we've found your niche." But as a stay at home mom, do I persue that? Do I initiate something or wait to be called up? How do I fit the training and practice time necessary to further this 'gift', if that's what it is, when I'm up to my neck in laundry and diapers? And there are many ladies in our church who can sing and lead. How am I to know if I am actually made for this, or if it is just a nice thing I can do to contribute?
Which leads me to what I am struggling with most lately. My husband has already given me his answer, which was reassuring, but didn't take the question away; Could it be possible, that, as a wife and mother, my only real calling is to ensure that my husband has the opportunity and time and support to persue and further HIS calling? Maybe my calling is only to be "the best supporting actress"? Maybe all I ought to be doing is taking such good and thorough care of him and the home and the children that he is in a place where he is set up to shine in the roles that God has called him to do. That doesn't seem far fetched to me. Maybe the other things I do well at outside of the domestic duties are just a result of common grace. Maybe the singing is not a gift or a calling, but rather just a pleasant side effect of how the Lord designed the human body and the vocal chords. (I'm assuming you can guess my husband's take on this. He is not seeing my only calling as being his flag waver and biggest fan. He believes the Lord has other arenas for me to serve Him outside of the home as well. I would love to agree with him wholeheartedly, but I just wonder....)
I am not done here. I have more questions and more issues to discuss. There are things I've been reading lately that I will bring up in Part Two. But for now, I do hope that some of you wiser folks, and some of you mechanics, might have an insight or two.
Post A Comment!
• Monday, March 24, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by "Dr" J (halfpint's hubby) (69.157.46.27)Disclaimers… Firstly, by adding more of my thoughts to this discussion, I am in no way claiming to be “wise,” and secondly, I am not a doctor… I recently preached to a wonderful congregation in Kingston; the experience was incredibly refreshing. I had taken a year long hiatus from preaching and the Lord opened this door to preach again. When I got back, I was ecstatic. I said to a friend of mine, “What am I doing teaching high school English? I ought to be preaching.” He replied, “How can you expect God to place you in pastoral ministry if you are not exercising your gifts in your own local church.” True enough. My own congregation is in need of pulpit supply, and I wasn’t “stepping up.” The reason for the hiatus was that I was tired of itinerant preaching. God opened the door, however, and I am slated to preach a “series” of sermons in April and May at my church. The question I pose, then, is this: “What gifts CAN you use right now but are NOT using?” Considering where you are now, at home, with seven beautiful children, what are you able to do? If you are able to do something, but are not doing it, then you need to start. Going on a singing tour might not be an option right now, unless you decide to take the kids (for example, the von Trapps… by the way, the real Maria went on to have three more children of her own with the Captain…). We need to be faithful with the supposed “little” things God gives us to do. Not that you are doing “little” things anyway, right now. Raising children is this day and age is a colossal challenge and an incredible responsibility. As parents, we are investing in the lives of the next generation of Christians. However, this ministry is also inglorious, commonplace and mundane. Humdrum. I suppose I could say we need to be faithful with the supposedly “ordinary” things God gives us to do. Remember Susanna Wesley, mother of Charles and John Wesley (and 17 other children)? She would sit down in her kitchen and pull her apron up over her head top spend time in prayer. She is quoted to have prayed, “Help me, Lord, to remember that religion is not to be confined to the church... nor exercised only in prayer and meditation, but that every where I am in Thy Presence.” As a praying and faithful mother, what an incredible ministry she was to the church of Jesus Christ. You and I need to fight the urge of our generational “zeitgeist”, the urge to be self-absorbed. We cannot say things like, “When can I start living my own life?” This is the battle cry of the 30-something generation. Christians of this generation might say, “When can I start using MY gifts…” or “When can I do something meaningful with MY life.” This seems all well and good, but I think we echo our “individualistic” generation too much when we think this way. The Christian way is sacrifice.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Heard At My House
Setting: 4yo son getting ready for his afternoon nap. Trying to stall.
Son: Daddy! There are ladybugs in the window!
Daddy: (killing the easy obvious ones) I think you'll be okay.
Son: But there is another one there (shoved in the track of the window...looking lifeless)
Daddy: Honey, it can't hurt you. It's a lady bug. Besides, it's half dead.
Son: Yeah but it's half not dead too.
can't argue that logic.
Son: Daddy! There are ladybugs in the window!
Daddy: (killing the easy obvious ones) I think you'll be okay.
Son: But there is another one there (shoved in the track of the window...looking lifeless)
Daddy: Honey, it can't hurt you. It's a lady bug. Besides, it's half dead.
Son: Yeah but it's half not dead too.
can't argue that logic.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Conversations
You know you have children and only children with you all day when...
We just spent our entire breakfast discussing the differences, both negative and positive, between TVOKids and KidsCBC.
Particularly interesting was the heated discussion regarding the hosts of the in-between segments (CBC won hands down for their humour and lack of condescending talk).
However, we did come to agree that TVO airs some of our favourite shows. But even in that area it is a bit of a draw. You see TVO has Peep in the Big Wide World (my personal favourite), Dora, and Bear in the Big Blue House. However, CBC has Tractor Tom and Peppa Pig (both being closely in line with my favourite), both being very funny British cartoons.
Overall, the debate was quite amiable, and all parties walked away having been heard and respected. Of course, interesting to note is the fact that we haven't had an antenna hooked up for 3-4 months and no one has noticed the lack of TV.
My only wish is that this same level of thought and willingness to share opinions will extend to the days when we can compare Jane Austin novels to one another, or discuss the merits of one Shakespearean sonnet over another.
And in the same way that the children now recite and have entire conversations based on the script of The Aristocats and Nanny McPhee, I hope one day for them to quote monologues from Henry the Fifth (complete with accents and hand gestures, of course).
They will grow up. I just hope I can keep up with them.
We just spent our entire breakfast discussing the differences, both negative and positive, between TVOKids and KidsCBC.
Particularly interesting was the heated discussion regarding the hosts of the in-between segments (CBC won hands down for their humour and lack of condescending talk).
However, we did come to agree that TVO airs some of our favourite shows. But even in that area it is a bit of a draw. You see TVO has Peep in the Big Wide World (my personal favourite), Dora, and Bear in the Big Blue House. However, CBC has Tractor Tom and Peppa Pig (both being closely in line with my favourite), both being very funny British cartoons.
Overall, the debate was quite amiable, and all parties walked away having been heard and respected. Of course, interesting to note is the fact that we haven't had an antenna hooked up for 3-4 months and no one has noticed the lack of TV.
My only wish is that this same level of thought and willingness to share opinions will extend to the days when we can compare Jane Austin novels to one another, or discuss the merits of one Shakespearean sonnet over another.
And in the same way that the children now recite and have entire conversations based on the script of The Aristocats and Nanny McPhee, I hope one day for them to quote monologues from Henry the Fifth (complete with accents and hand gestures, of course).
They will grow up. I just hope I can keep up with them.
Monday, March 10, 2008
By The Numbers
My dear friend Steve who is blogless, (but boy would I LOVE to read a blog by him. It would be most funny and excellent. Of course, I'm pretty sure he doesn't read blogs either, but still) inspired this post. He was emailing us about something Cell Group related and mentioned he was off to do laundry. They do 10 -12 loads a week he said. Then he shuddered wondering how many we do with now 7 children.
So I thought hmmmm, how many loads do I do? And how much of other frequently done things do I do? Hence this post (I used the word "Hence" for my dear friend Mike, who also doesn't read this blog, but his daughter does, so maybe she'll tell him that I'm often inspired by him too).
Looking Back on This Week (Mar. 2-9) By the Numbers
10 Dishwasher Loads
41 Diapers Changed
15 Cups of Tea (aren't you surprised it wasn't more? because seriously.....)
15 Ounces (that Zachary gained! Praise the Lord)
9 Double Rolls of Toilet Paper Used (this most assuredly would have been greater on a normal week, but there was only 1 full day this week with all 7 kids home. My brilliant inlaws had 2-3 of the kids at other days of the week)
500+ Chicken Pox marks popping up all over the kids (Wish I was kidding. honestly... the baby is 4 weeks old now, and sleeping not too badly. Let's just shake things up with an epidemic....I was planning on posting a picture of their backs, but that's just cruel and truthfully a little gaggy.)
5 Coffee (actually, not coffee so much as Melange and other espresso based drinks...all decaf of course!)
and now, what we've all been waiting for .....
20 Loads of laundry (which is actually less than I expected)
This is a great exercise to change your thinking if you ever are feeling like you are a big fat lazy do nothing housewife with no excuse for being tired all the time. You say "wow, I did a lot this week". Except then it is a tad depressing to realize that your life can be summed up in laundry and paper products...not to mention I'm sure some green-minded lurker will read this and blast me as being proof that a large family has a large carbon foot print, but hey too bad for them because when my kids get jobs they'll be paying their CPP....
Cheerio! Off to do more laundry. It is Monday again after all.
So I thought hmmmm, how many loads do I do? And how much of other frequently done things do I do? Hence this post (I used the word "Hence" for my dear friend Mike, who also doesn't read this blog, but his daughter does, so maybe she'll tell him that I'm often inspired by him too).
Looking Back on This Week (Mar. 2-9) By the Numbers
10 Dishwasher Loads
41 Diapers Changed
15 Cups of Tea (aren't you surprised it wasn't more? because seriously.....)
15 Ounces (that Zachary gained! Praise the Lord)
9 Double Rolls of Toilet Paper Used (this most assuredly would have been greater on a normal week, but there was only 1 full day this week with all 7 kids home. My brilliant inlaws had 2-3 of the kids at other days of the week)
500+ Chicken Pox marks popping up all over the kids (Wish I was kidding. honestly... the baby is 4 weeks old now, and sleeping not too badly. Let's just shake things up with an epidemic....I was planning on posting a picture of their backs, but that's just cruel and truthfully a little gaggy.)
5 Coffee (actually, not coffee so much as Melange and other espresso based drinks...all decaf of course!)
and now, what we've all been waiting for .....
20 Loads of laundry (which is actually less than I expected)
This is a great exercise to change your thinking if you ever are feeling like you are a big fat lazy do nothing housewife with no excuse for being tired all the time. You say "wow, I did a lot this week". Except then it is a tad depressing to realize that your life can be summed up in laundry and paper products...not to mention I'm sure some green-minded lurker will read this and blast me as being proof that a large family has a large carbon foot print, but hey too bad for them because when my kids get jobs they'll be paying their CPP....
Cheerio! Off to do more laundry. It is Monday again after all.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Heard At My House
Setting: Delighful suppertime complete with delectable garlic cheese pull apart buns. 8 yo 2nd born daughter holding said bun and poking its soft, white goodness.
8yo J: Hey, this bun feels like mom's belly did when she was pregnant.
Awkward pause, lots of laughing, me wishing somehow she was not being accurate.
8yo J: Um. I guess maybe I should have said that in my head.
8yo J: Hey, this bun feels like mom's belly did when she was pregnant.
Awkward pause, lots of laughing, me wishing somehow she was not being accurate.
8yo J: Um. I guess maybe I should have said that in my head.
Monday, February 25, 2008
The Rest Of the Story
February 6th, 2008 was a Wednesday. Not just any Wednesday: Ash Wednesday. Did you know that Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent? And that the focus of Ash Wednesday is repentance? Well, repentance has a lot to do with what happened around here on February 6th 2008.
Over the last 9 years and 6 pregnancies I've grown accustomed to midwifery care and homebirths, no unnecessary interventions or tests, no pain medication, no condescending tones or questionning looks. This 7th pregnancy began much the same.
Then came week 30. I measured as if it were week 33. I laughed "Well I did just spend a few days at my mom's house and boy can she cook!" The midwives didn't laugh. They gave me until the next visit. However at week 32 I was measuring as if it were week 37 and so began the most frustrating and faith testing few weeks for me. And to let you know a bit of the end before we get there, I was very much failing the testing of my faith. More on that soon.
The midwives are required to send "large measuring women" to consult with an OB. This in itself made me cry. I don't want an OB. But then foolish me to ask, "What is wrong with measuring big? Could it just be the way I am carrying? (and the fact that I'm 30 pounds over weight?)"...Maybe....or it could be too much amniotic fluid, or too large of a baby, or gestational diabetes, or some kind of genetic disorder.....
more crying on my part. This is getting hard. I don't do hard. I only do easy. I'm lazy and phlegmatic and this feels like too much.
So to make this long story slightly shorter, I submit to all kinds of tests that I would normally, politely, decline. All tests show normal results. I do not have too much fluid. I do not have diabetes. My baby does not have some malformation or genetic disorder. He/She may be large....Maybe quite large. And as the OB likes to remind me multiple times each visit "You are Grand Multiparas" (which by the way just means I've had more than 4 children). This combined with the "large baby" concern is leading him to believe that if I have a homebirth I am bound to hemmorage and bleed out on my bedroom floor. Therefore he decides for me that I must have a hospital birth governed by an OB, not a midwife although he will allow them to come for moral support, with blood transfusion ready, IV in....waiting for me to bleed to death.
Ah yes. Now there is a relaxing thought as I approach my last few weeks of pregnancy. So like I said, my faith was being tested. My ability to trust in the Lord's Loving Sovereignty was being tested and I was failing miserably. That's where I was at when I wrote earlier. I just felt like everything was out of my control (and it was) and that somehow even the OB had taken things out of God's control. Maybe God meant this to go easy like the other 6 but the Dr. had thwarted His plans.
I kept hearing "Rest....rest.....rest....be still and Know that I am God" and I would say "okay...You are God" and then I'd start freaking out again.
Wow, this shorter version of the long story is still quite long. Sorry about that.
So fast forward to Monday Feb. 4. Remember? I went to hospital thinking I was in labour? After that I was definitely discouraged. Now I was second guessing even my ability to know if I was in labour or not.
Tuesday I spent grumping. And making lasagna and soup for my freezer should this baby ever decide to come.
And then came Wednesday. I told my husband to go to work. You know what they say about a watched pot.....it never goes into labour...or something like that. That's when I noticed that along with these really random, sporadic, inconsistent, yet pretty strong contractions, that it was Ash Wednesday. Of course the kids ask what that means and I have to confess I really don't know except that the Catholic school makes the kids put ashes on their heads in the shape of the cross....I think.
Thanks to Google I see that it is all about repentance, and that Psalm 51 is the reading of choice at most churches. I am cut to the quick and find myself in tears again. But now they aren't angry, fearful tears, they are tears now of repentance and sorrow for my lack of faith and horrible witness both to the midwives and my own children. I spend some time getting right with the Lord and asking Him to forgive me for not believing that He would, and could, do as He wills no matter who is in charge of my file. And for thinking He wasn't loving me by doing something different than what I wanted.
I finally call the midwives and am overjoyed to find that my favourite midwife is back from vacation (a day early by my count) and ask her what she thinks I should do. The contractions have been coming all day, but never in a rhythm that I could call consistent (every 13 minutes, then every 8, then every 4, then every 17....not helpful). She says I don't sound "urgent" and that she'll check me on her way home. I do.not. want to go to hospital early again just to be sent home.
5pm comes and the midwife pops in. I say hi come on in. She checks me. She says "You are 5cm. We need to go now if we are going to go". I say "Sure, my bag is packed, let me call the sitter"....She stops me and says "I'm not sure we have time to get there. Have you seen the weather?" And for the first time I notice that in the last 30 minutes we have been caught in a very bad snow storm....icy roads, poor to no visibility and every thing. Oh. Okay.
But I always take 7 hours or so from this point right? Not this time, she says. She calls Labour and Delivery at the hospital to tell them we are coming while I call my mom and dad to come, and the friend across the street to come in the meantime (my folks live almost an hour away and in this weather?....well the lady across the street would cover the 'inbetween' time.) When I come upstairs to tell the midwife that we are all set, she shakes her head and says "They told us not to come the roads are so bad. They agree that a home birth is safer than a 'on the side of the road in the back seat during a snow storm" birth."
I have to smile. Really? Since when do hospitals say "don't come"? So we page the OB to let him know what is going on and to 'get his permission' (I'm not sure if that's the right term but I hope you get my point). After going over all his concerns with the midwife (no antibiotics on hand, no blood, does she know how to stop me from hemmoraging.....whatever) he gives his okay and asks that we page him again to let him know when baby comes that all is okay.
Well, less than 4 hours later little Zachary arrived, easily, beautifully, quickly, nearly painlessly (I'm not even kidding) healthfully, hungrily, handsomely, peeingly, wonderfully......
And I cried again. Usually I laugh when I hold the baby for the first time. This time I cried. Still ashamed at how I had treated the Lord for the last 6 weeks. Sad for how I had to learn the lesson this way rather than trusting him the whole time. I cried with gratitude and humility and sorrow for my sin and relief and awe at His forgiveness. Shocked that we got 'everything we wanted'. The midwives say "Smart baby. He knew he didn't want to be born in a hospital. He waited for the storm." I thought "Merciful gracious Lord to give us this good gift even after I'd been such a faithless pill."
Zachary means "the Lord remembers"..... He remembers His plans, His purposes, His ways. He remembers my desires, my frailties, my weaknesses, my character. He remembers what is best for me and what will glorify Him.
If only I will learn to remember those things too.
He doesn't always work things out just as we want, and that is not what I gleaned from this experience. I learned (again) to surrender to Him, to watch for how He is working, to trust that He is always on His throne, never sleeping, never caught off guard, always proactive never reactive, always doing what He wants......
This is my Father's world. O let me ne'er forget that though the wrong seems oft so strong, God is the ruler yet. This is my Father's world: why should my heart be sad? The Lord is King; let the heavens ring! God reigns; let the earth be glad!
And now you know the rest of the story.
Over the last 9 years and 6 pregnancies I've grown accustomed to midwifery care and homebirths, no unnecessary interventions or tests, no pain medication, no condescending tones or questionning looks. This 7th pregnancy began much the same.
Then came week 30. I measured as if it were week 33. I laughed "Well I did just spend a few days at my mom's house and boy can she cook!" The midwives didn't laugh. They gave me until the next visit. However at week 32 I was measuring as if it were week 37 and so began the most frustrating and faith testing few weeks for me. And to let you know a bit of the end before we get there, I was very much failing the testing of my faith. More on that soon.
The midwives are required to send "large measuring women" to consult with an OB. This in itself made me cry. I don't want an OB. But then foolish me to ask, "What is wrong with measuring big? Could it just be the way I am carrying? (and the fact that I'm 30 pounds over weight?)"...Maybe....or it could be too much amniotic fluid, or too large of a baby, or gestational diabetes, or some kind of genetic disorder.....
more crying on my part. This is getting hard. I don't do hard. I only do easy. I'm lazy and phlegmatic and this feels like too much.
So to make this long story slightly shorter, I submit to all kinds of tests that I would normally, politely, decline. All tests show normal results. I do not have too much fluid. I do not have diabetes. My baby does not have some malformation or genetic disorder. He/She may be large....Maybe quite large. And as the OB likes to remind me multiple times each visit "You are Grand Multiparas" (which by the way just means I've had more than 4 children). This combined with the "large baby" concern is leading him to believe that if I have a homebirth I am bound to hemmorage and bleed out on my bedroom floor. Therefore he decides for me that I must have a hospital birth governed by an OB, not a midwife although he will allow them to come for moral support, with blood transfusion ready, IV in....waiting for me to bleed to death.
Ah yes. Now there is a relaxing thought as I approach my last few weeks of pregnancy. So like I said, my faith was being tested. My ability to trust in the Lord's Loving Sovereignty was being tested and I was failing miserably. That's where I was at when I wrote earlier. I just felt like everything was out of my control (and it was) and that somehow even the OB had taken things out of God's control. Maybe God meant this to go easy like the other 6 but the Dr. had thwarted His plans.
I kept hearing "Rest....rest.....rest....be still and Know that I am God" and I would say "okay...You are God" and then I'd start freaking out again.
Wow, this shorter version of the long story is still quite long. Sorry about that.
So fast forward to Monday Feb. 4. Remember? I went to hospital thinking I was in labour? After that I was definitely discouraged. Now I was second guessing even my ability to know if I was in labour or not.
Tuesday I spent grumping. And making lasagna and soup for my freezer should this baby ever decide to come.
And then came Wednesday. I told my husband to go to work. You know what they say about a watched pot.....it never goes into labour...or something like that. That's when I noticed that along with these really random, sporadic, inconsistent, yet pretty strong contractions, that it was Ash Wednesday. Of course the kids ask what that means and I have to confess I really don't know except that the Catholic school makes the kids put ashes on their heads in the shape of the cross....I think.
Thanks to Google I see that it is all about repentance, and that Psalm 51 is the reading of choice at most churches. I am cut to the quick and find myself in tears again. But now they aren't angry, fearful tears, they are tears now of repentance and sorrow for my lack of faith and horrible witness both to the midwives and my own children. I spend some time getting right with the Lord and asking Him to forgive me for not believing that He would, and could, do as He wills no matter who is in charge of my file. And for thinking He wasn't loving me by doing something different than what I wanted.
I finally call the midwives and am overjoyed to find that my favourite midwife is back from vacation (a day early by my count) and ask her what she thinks I should do. The contractions have been coming all day, but never in a rhythm that I could call consistent (every 13 minutes, then every 8, then every 4, then every 17....not helpful). She says I don't sound "urgent" and that she'll check me on her way home. I do.not. want to go to hospital early again just to be sent home.
5pm comes and the midwife pops in. I say hi come on in. She checks me. She says "You are 5cm. We need to go now if we are going to go". I say "Sure, my bag is packed, let me call the sitter"....She stops me and says "I'm not sure we have time to get there. Have you seen the weather?" And for the first time I notice that in the last 30 minutes we have been caught in a very bad snow storm....icy roads, poor to no visibility and every thing. Oh. Okay.
But I always take 7 hours or so from this point right? Not this time, she says. She calls Labour and Delivery at the hospital to tell them we are coming while I call my mom and dad to come, and the friend across the street to come in the meantime (my folks live almost an hour away and in this weather?....well the lady across the street would cover the 'inbetween' time.) When I come upstairs to tell the midwife that we are all set, she shakes her head and says "They told us not to come the roads are so bad. They agree that a home birth is safer than a 'on the side of the road in the back seat during a snow storm" birth."
I have to smile. Really? Since when do hospitals say "don't come"? So we page the OB to let him know what is going on and to 'get his permission' (I'm not sure if that's the right term but I hope you get my point). After going over all his concerns with the midwife (no antibiotics on hand, no blood, does she know how to stop me from hemmoraging.....whatever) he gives his okay and asks that we page him again to let him know when baby comes that all is okay.
Well, less than 4 hours later little Zachary arrived, easily, beautifully, quickly, nearly painlessly (I'm not even kidding) healthfully, hungrily, handsomely, peeingly, wonderfully......
And I cried again. Usually I laugh when I hold the baby for the first time. This time I cried. Still ashamed at how I had treated the Lord for the last 6 weeks. Sad for how I had to learn the lesson this way rather than trusting him the whole time. I cried with gratitude and humility and sorrow for my sin and relief and awe at His forgiveness. Shocked that we got 'everything we wanted'. The midwives say "Smart baby. He knew he didn't want to be born in a hospital. He waited for the storm." I thought "Merciful gracious Lord to give us this good gift even after I'd been such a faithless pill."
Zachary means "the Lord remembers"..... He remembers His plans, His purposes, His ways. He remembers my desires, my frailties, my weaknesses, my character. He remembers what is best for me and what will glorify Him.
If only I will learn to remember those things too.
He doesn't always work things out just as we want, and that is not what I gleaned from this experience. I learned (again) to surrender to Him, to watch for how He is working, to trust that He is always on His throne, never sleeping, never caught off guard, always proactive never reactive, always doing what He wants......
This is my Father's world. O let me ne'er forget that though the wrong seems oft so strong, God is the ruler yet. This is my Father's world: why should my heart be sad? The Lord is King; let the heavens ring! God reigns; let the earth be glad!
And now you know the rest of the story.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
My Ash Wednesday Gift
Born Wednesday, February 6th at 8:58pm
A Second boy! 9lbs 8oz and perfectly healthy. Details and Birth story to follow.
A Second boy! 9lbs 8oz and perfectly healthy. Details and Birth story to follow.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
I'll Do Anything For A Date Night With My Husband
You know you want it. A night away with no kids. A chance to have nothing else to do but stare at each other and whisper sweet nothings. Cranberry juice flowing freely, and breakfast served to you in the morning.....
yup. That's what I'm talking about. My parents had 4 of the kids at our house. Chris' parents had 2 at their house, and Chris and I had a night we'd never forget.....
Did I mention that it was in the hospital where I thought I was going into labour only to find out that once I got there everything slowed down?
Nice.
So yes, we spent Monday night "away together", me sort of sleeping on the hospital bed, and him sort of sleeping on a recliner. Most excellent. They let us go home in the morning, for which I was grateful. I did not want them thinking they should induce me or anything. And that is when we had breakfast served to us at our favourite breakfast restaurant. The wonderful husband knew the discouraged wife could use some toast and peameal bacon and a good cup of tea to help her cheer up.
Now today contractions are picking up again, and so with great reservation I am wondering "is *this* the day?".....sigh. This is very different from previous babies. I always knew by how things started and progressed that "it was the day". After our little false alarm on Monday I'm a wee gun shy to say "for sure, this is it".
And of course along with that thought comes the conflicting emotions of joy, fear, exhaustion, exhilaration, pain, relief.... Do I remember how to do this? Will it all go okay? Is there some way I can just fast forward to the part where I hear that wee baby cry and hold him/her for the first time? (I mean is there a way to skip it without having a ton of drugs pumped into me?)
And so we wait....and wonder....and dream....I'll try to post an update here at some point, but don't expect it too soon. I'm not that much of a keener.
Thanks for your prayers!
yup. That's what I'm talking about. My parents had 4 of the kids at our house. Chris' parents had 2 at their house, and Chris and I had a night we'd never forget.....
Did I mention that it was in the hospital where I thought I was going into labour only to find out that once I got there everything slowed down?
Nice.
So yes, we spent Monday night "away together", me sort of sleeping on the hospital bed, and him sort of sleeping on a recliner. Most excellent. They let us go home in the morning, for which I was grateful. I did not want them thinking they should induce me or anything. And that is when we had breakfast served to us at our favourite breakfast restaurant. The wonderful husband knew the discouraged wife could use some toast and peameal bacon and a good cup of tea to help her cheer up.
Now today contractions are picking up again, and so with great reservation I am wondering "is *this* the day?".....sigh. This is very different from previous babies. I always knew by how things started and progressed that "it was the day". After our little false alarm on Monday I'm a wee gun shy to say "for sure, this is it".
And of course along with that thought comes the conflicting emotions of joy, fear, exhaustion, exhilaration, pain, relief.... Do I remember how to do this? Will it all go okay? Is there some way I can just fast forward to the part where I hear that wee baby cry and hold him/her for the first time? (I mean is there a way to skip it without having a ton of drugs pumped into me?)
And so we wait....and wonder....and dream....I'll try to post an update here at some point, but don't expect it too soon. I'm not that much of a keener.
Thanks for your prayers!
Monday, February 4, 2008
Heard At My House
6yo daughter: Grandma, can I have some gum?
Grandma: No. I don't think that's necessary, why?
6yo daughter: Well, he has some (referring to little 4 yo brother).
Grandma: Where did he get that?
4yo son: I found it.
Grandma: Where?
4yo son: In the garbage can. But don't worry. It didn't have any hair on it.
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Grandma: No. I don't think that's necessary, why?
6yo daughter: Well, he has some (referring to little 4 yo brother).
Grandma: Where did he get that?
4yo son: I found it.
Grandma: Where?
4yo son: In the garbage can. But don't worry. It didn't have any hair on it.
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