I asked my girls what I should write about today and one of them said "Write about how we are the best kids in the world."
Well that's easy enough.
Except maybe I'll digress a little from that original point. I really do have pretty amazing kids. I love being at home and being a busy mom. I love homeschooling them. It was an easy choice to have 6 kids close together because they've all been such a delight. I also felt it was very much what God would have us do as a family. What has not been so easy has been to understand what comes next for our family.
My husband and I had very strong feelings about what God had called us to do in terms of having babies at one point. Now that seems a little less clear. Could it really be that God has changed our hearts because His path for us now is changing? Or am I succumbing to the selfish desires of my heart?
When am I allowed to make 'my own decision' and when do I need an obvious Word from the Lord? When we had chosen to trust God entirely for our family size we were in a much more difficult place financially than we are now, and yet we felt the conviction in our heart and had the faith to wait on Him to provide for all our needs in various ways. Now I know that is still true: the Lord will give me the physical strength and emotional energy to keep up with the work; however, I don't feel the same moral imperative (to have more babies) in my heart that I used to.
When is a girl allowed to say, "I'm done...I think"? We have no desire at this point to be "final" about it, but to what extent am I "allowed" to give myself a break? (can you read my guilt gland acting up between the lines?)
I know if the Lord gave us 6 more children right now that I would be as ga-ga over them as I am over the first 6. I also know that He would provide for us as completely as He has up to this point. But does that mean I have to keep going until menopause kicks in? (okay, slight exaggeration. I can hear my parents and in-laws shaking their heads as they read this).
I've always believed that glorifying God with my children had little to do with how many I had, and much to do with how I raised them. So maybe 6 is enough. Maybe He has more for us. For now I am content to think that our family is full until the Lord changes my heart.
Still, I do find myself wondering if I am walking in the Lord's blessing by saying that, or if I am saying no to the blessings He is holding out to me.