Remains of the Day

I have a lovely friend. Actually, I have several, but right now I am thinking of one in particular. I don't want to embarrass her by naming her here, but I do want to share something wise she once said (and it wasn't the only wise thing she said. She is rather remarkable that way). And if someone picks up on who she is by my vague and general descriptions, well, so be it.

This friend was giving a bit of her testimony at church when she said the line that has made me think for a long time. She said, "I often worried that when I was done all this that there would be nothing left of me. Maybe this is all I am."

She was referring to her being a hepthathelete and then retiring from competing.(Don't worry: I have lots of friends who have competed in the Olympics...I'm sure no one has any clue of whom I'm speaking.) She wondered if all she was, who she was, was that girl who competed. (I do hope I am not entirely twisting her meaning: it has been almost two years since she spoke to us.)

Funny that: Haven't you had the same wonder? Is this all I am? Who am I in the first place? Am I only a homeschooling mom of 7? And if so, what happens when they all move out? Do I just fade away into nothingness? Do I become that dear old, godly, praying woman that people have thought was "really old" for decades but still hasn't died?

I simply love being home with my kids. It is my first and only choice. Don't get me wrong: I am not wishing for a way out. This is a highly fulfilling position, paid or not!

These questions aren't coming out of discontent, I don't believe. I wonder if there is the ability to be fulfilled in more than one arena. I am wondering about what else there is to me, to us. How else does the Lord intend to use me through my family? Evangelism in our house can simply mean leaving the house, or going to Wal-Mart (heaven forbid) and having someone notice "something different" about us.

Plus the Lord has been gracious to allow me to serve in our church in a musical way. I am thrilled to do that as well.

I just want to know I'm not missing something. I don't want to merely survive these years and then "really serve the Lord" when my husband retires. And I also don't want my kids to think that being a mom is years and years of hard work and drudgery and then sometime when your kids are grown up and fully self-supporting you can get on to real life.

This is real life. I love this life. What I want to know is, when Christ said he wanted to give us live to the full, life abundant, what does that look like? Am I making the most of my days? Am I being a wise steward of my time and abilities?

Fuel for thought anyway, even if it does end with more questions than answers.

Wow-ful Women Wednesdays

Oh I hate when I haven't blogged for a whole week and I have two Wow-ful videos back to back. Must.post.more.often

Good, so now that I have had my daily dose of blog guilt let me intro the video.

This isn't really the song I would have wanted to post by this spectacular woman. I really wanted to post Good Mother, but haven't yet found a version of it I like. (do you know who sings that title? So exciting!)

However, I'm sure you've felt like this some days. That you want to find someplace where no one knows you. There is definitely a "run-away gene" deeply rooted in me. When I was in University, I was making some fairly lousy life-choices. I was not being who I wanted to be and who I knew I could be/ought to be. So I had this dream that it would just be easier to save up my Tim Horton's tip money and fly out to BC. Why BC? Because I'd never been there, and no one knew me, and I could just try again.

Well, praise the Lord I didn't go (saving Timmy's tip money I still wouldn't have been able to afford a ticket today!), and praise the Lord that no matter where I go, He knows me. And that every morning His mercies are new. And that every fraction of time, He can make me a new creation.

So, while I now know that I don't have to run away from my life, I do still love this song, and this woman's voice, and the thrill of the thought of just going for a great road trip.

Jann Arden--Where No One Knows Me.

Wow-ful Women Wednesdays

I have had the strangest dreams lately. Night after night after night. Dreams that make no sense, dreams about what I'm puzzling over during the day, dreams that would be fun to be true....too many dreams. Still, in light of that theme, and in light of the fact that I felt like a lighthearted something today, I picked The Cranberries for our Wow-ful Women Wednesday.

Now what I found striking about this version is that I think she may actually be flat for the entire first verse and no one cares a lick. They scream like she is perfect, which she sort of is in a weird vocal way. I love that she is flat because when I fall off pitch I always fall flat, never sharp. It is rather endearing, I'm sure.

Without further ado, Dreams.

Waiting for the Bridegroom

Occasionally, my husband travels for work. Consistently, I am a procrastinator. These two truths work conspire against me.

Here is the scenario: Away goes my husband. Down I sit to write up the "to do list" to end all to do lists. My goal? To have so.much.done when he gets home that he will be over the moon impressed with me, and that he will be thrilled and honoured and absolutely able to just rest and relax upon returning home.

The last time he went for three days, my list was as follows:

Tuesday day: clean house, sand window frames
Tuesday night: prime and paint window frames
Wednesday day: paint all 10 interior doors
Wednesday night: paint all baseboard and casings
Thursday day: do all laundry and prep 'Welcome Home meal"
Friday: take kids to dentist, final "tidy up" and cook meal.

Not even kidding.

As the three day "Be the Super Hero" endeavor begins, I instantly realize my plan is flawed because 1) I still need to homeschool my children in there somewhere 2) my children are coming down with a nasty cold and 3) I have some water in my basement that monopolizes all my laundry time what with ringing out and drying towels.

Yet, I begin. The windows get sanded, they get primed. They even get a coat of paint. Then I realize that they look worse than when I started because I'm a lousy painter. School is getting done. We are keeping up with life. But the laundry is piling up, there are no gourmet ingredients in my home, and I'm not sure I've showered yet.

Suddenly it is Thursday night. I am overwhelmed with my longing for the return of my man. He should just be home. We have a super marriage, and when he is gone I just really really miss his companionship. So I lay in bed, exhausted from a long week, missing him and desperate for his return. Only a few more hours.

And yet, at the same time, I find I am sort of wishing he would stay away for one more day. If only I had more time to get ready for his coming. I have so much left to do. My list of things to do to impress him is looming before me. It will never get done in time. He will come home and find me unprepared. Part of me wishes he just would not come back for another day or two so I could try again to be the person I mean to be, with a house done the way I want it. I just need more time. The knot in my stomach grows with the guilt of wasted time over the last 3 days and with the burden of unrealistic expectations that I've set for myself. And then the lies come in that somehow this will be the time that Chris shakes his head at the state of the house and thinks I'm a waste of a mother and wife. Instead of impressing him, I'm sure to disappoint him.

Friday morning, we trundle off to the dentist leaving the house in as good a state as possible with an early morning start. My list is still sitting on the table uncomplete and I breathe a sigh hoping I get home before Chris does so I can maybe get a bit more done. As it is I know that when he comes in the door, instead of taking his coat, pouring him a tea and asking how his week was, I will be apologizing and making excuses for what is left undone.

And then the surprise: at the dentist the door opens and I see only a hand and a cuff on the door knob and I know it is my man. There he is! Surprising us with his return. Instantly the fear and hesitation in my belly goes away. Instantly my heart swells at the presence of my husband. I know that whatever was left undone at home will not matter to him. I know he wants to be with us first and foremost. We are together again and that is all that matters.

Now the tears come. Even as I sit in the waiting room, finishing the paperwork. Ready to leave. The tears come as I get a glimpse of my waiting for Christ. How I long for His return. How I long to be with Him. And yet, if He could just tarry a little longer. I'm not quite ready for Him yet. There is much I want to do before He comes. How I want to impress Him. How I want to "do" for Him. But I procrastinate. I waste my time. I'll start tomorrow. Don't come back yet, Lord. I'm not quite ready.

I know that when He does call me home that I will be so overwhelmed by the joy of being in His presence that all of this striving to please will melt away. However, I am sure that there will be a greater joy if I start today to "rest in Him" rather than to "do for Him". Yes, He calls me to serve and obey, but not according to my list of impressive tasks. I want to be ready for Christ's return, both in Spirit and in action.

Lord I pray that I would be diligent to do the work you are giving me, that I would not wait for tomorrow or be so distracted that I never finish what I start. But I also pray that you would help me to rest in the greatest 'job' you've given me: the dwelling and resting in the Vine so I am always ready and eager for your return. I want to stand before you without shame and regret and excuses. Thank you for your longsuffering mercy. Thank you for the chance to start again.

Heard At My House

Setting: 5 year old son and his Opa working on fixing the kitchen cupboards.

Son: Hey Opa, do you have one of those stud finders?

Opa: No, but I know your Dad does.

Me: Yes, and you like to play with it don't you, Honey.

Son: Mom, I don't *play* with it. I *use* it.


Me: (mental note: right, boys play with toys...men use them. Got it!)

Wow-ful Women Wednesdays

It isn't every day that I walk in to a store and hear something coming over the speakers that makes me stop my conversation, and interupt the store clerk, to say "Who is THAT!?"

Well, such was my experience this weekend.

Here is who I discovered. And pardon my ignorance if she is well loved by you all. Oh but my stars can this girl sing. I have a dream that one day someone will invent a pedal board for voices like all you electric guitar players have. Except instead of "Overdrive" and whatever else you guys have mine will have "Christy Nockels", "Sara Groves", and "Scottish Accent" as options that I can tap with my foot.

Without further ado, here is Amy MacDonald. What a voice! Not to mention some really catchy tunes. Hope you enjoy her.



And another:

Heard At My House

9 year old daughter: Okay Mom, just tell us the truth. Are you pregnant?

Me: (having a little trouble breathing suddenly) Um....No. Truthfully, really, not.

9 yo: Well, the baby is 1 now and usually around now you are announcing things.

Me: (feeling a bit lightheaded suddenly) Um....Nope. Really not.

5 Year old son: Really? Because you are a little fat.



excellent.

Wow-ful Women Wednesdays

I have just been offline for 4 days. It wasn't fun. We've been having our share of complications with the Internet since January, but I'm not bitter. :-)

The long and the short of it is, while I was bemoaning my inability to change my Facebook status and respond to email, my daughter came up with the helpful idea of "Why don't you just call everybody that you think *might* email you and tell them that the computer is all messed up and that they should call you instead."

clever.

So clearly I didn't do that. But it did trigger the perfect song for today, now that I am back on line.

Today we are watching Blondie singing "Call Me" (of course we are!). You need to know that I watched 3 versions of this song on YouTube, and yes there were more. I settled on this version though because it has great implications for all of us who stand in front of the church and sing on occassion.

First, I want you to notice how entirely inappropriate her outfit is for the song selection (now I sound like Simon Cowell). Blondie looks like she is going to sing "His Eye is on the Sparrow" but then she busts out with this.

Plus, notice how awkward she looks during the big instrumental. Been there, done that. Do I stand with my eyes closed enjoying the music? Do I try to twirl around? Do I bust a move or scamper to some other part of the stage for the next big down beat? Do I hope that Derek has some funky light function that makes it look like I'm in a Kaleidoscope? What to do? What to do, indeed.

While I mull over thesse life altering questions, enjoy this blast from the past. And remember, if I ever don't change my status for more than 36 hours, something is wrong and you should probably just Call Me! :-)

Wow-ful Women...um, Thursdays

A day late, but well worth waiting for. Nothing to say about this one. Except that Natalie Grant does it again. And that I'm sure many of us need to be reminded and encouraged by this truth today.

5 Things I Learned Today

Before 10 a.m. this morning, I have had quite a number of enlightenments flit into my brain. Who would have thought that in one morning I would learn that:

1. Exercising in front of a mirror is a painfully depressing and yet somehow motivating experience (motivating as in "Oh dear. I can't go on like *that* any more).

2. Muffins made with flour I ground myself are way yummier.

3. Grinding flour is a bit of a pain in the butt, and if I had to always grind grain, I'd bake muffins a whole lot less frequently.

4. Thinking your coffee is still hot and finding out that it is bone chilling cold really turns you off of the desire for another cup.

5. Bullets that go through the washer and drier thankfully do not explode.

So there are the first 5 things I learned this morning. How about you?